"You're da bomb!" "No, you're da bomb!"
In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day, and the teacher was talking about life. The teacher asked him, "Little Johnny, how do you want your wife to be like?" Little Johnny answered, "Like the moon." The teacher said, "That's such a beautiful answer because it's calm and peaceful." Little Johnny replied, "No, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning."
My therapist told me that time heals all wounds. So I stabbed him, now we wait.
If you jump off a bridge while crying, it's suicide, but if you jump off a bridge while screaming "parkour," it's a failed stunt.
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
A teacher gives her kindergarten students four flavors of lifesavers, and they have to guess the flavors. The students guess cherry, lime, and orange. They don't know the last flavor. So, the teacher gives them a hint and says, "It's what your parents call each other." [honey] But a little girl shouts and says, "OMG, they're assholes."
Q: What does LMAO mean?
A: Launching Missiles At Orphanages.
"Would you like to play the rape game?"
"No wtf" she replied.
"That's the spirit!"
Little Jonny walks in on his parents having sex. He asks what they're doing and the father says: "Well...we're making you a brother." So little Jonny runs off to let his parents finish, happy that he's going to have a brother soon.
The next day when little Jonny's father comes home, Jonny is crying out on the driveway. The father sits down next to Jonny and asks what's wrong. Jonny cries: "I won't have a baby brother!" His father is confused. "What do you mean?" he asks. "Because the mailman came by today and ate him!"
Dad: Son, everyone in your class got COVID.
Son (in a happy tone): I know.
Dad: How do you know and why are you so glad?
Son: Well, yesterday you told me to spread positivity.
I asked my midget neighbor if he wanted a lift. He told me to "Fuck off!!!" I thought, what a cheeky cunt and zipped my backpack up and walked away.
So I asked a Chinese woman for her number, she said "sex, sex, sex, free sex tonight."
Her friend said "No, it's 666-3629."
Little Johnny walked into his house. He heard a banging sound from up above and decided to investigate. He opened the door to his parents' room and saw his naked mom and the woman next door. He thought they were wrestling and decided to join in.
I wondered if becoming a furry could help me escape my crippling depression...
Unfortunately, the veterinarian insisted that he still wasn't going to euthanize me.
I asked the little German girl to rate our sex between 1-10. She kept crying and shouting "9!"
That's the best I've done so far.
This is NOT my joke. I found it on Google. It's a texting joke.
Mom: Son, your grandma just passed away LOL.
Son: Mom, what do you mean LOL? That means laughing out loud.
Mom: Oh no, I thought that meant lots of love. I have to text everyone back!!!!
It isn't really rape if you speak different languages. I mean, how is the man supposed to know what she is saying? Those could be tears of joy and screams of pleasure.
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.
I nailed my sister's... picture on the wall.
You dirty-minded bastard!
Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke a little leaf.
Jack got high and dropped his fly, and Jill said "Where’s The beef?"
