Saw jokes

One time I was at home alone with my dawgy, and I was eating peanut butter. I thought since it's oily, I could use it as a lotion, so I spread it all over my private part. My dawgy came over and started licking the peanut butter off my private part, and my private part got big and hard. Then, white stuff came out of my wee wee, and my dawgy started looking up at me and whining.

And then my daddy came home and saw what I was doing and shouted, "What are you doing?" And I said I was using peanut butter on my private part. Then he said, "Well, let me have a taste." And then he started doing what my dawgy was doing.

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off."

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause!

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out."

Now, how about that drink?

I was at work yesterday and I saw this kid crying. I went up to him and asked him where his parents were, and he started to cry even more. Gosh, don't you just love working at the orphanage?

I told my friend that someone accused him of blowing dead bears. I said I defended him by responding that I saw 1 get up and walk away.

What did Luke Skywalker say when he saw someone bullying his sister?

You better not lay a finger on her!

Can’t believe how ungrateful my dwarf next-door neighbor is. I saw him waiting at the bus stop earlier today and offered to give him a lift, but he told me to “fuck off.” In the end, I decided to just close my rucksack and walk away.

I was gonna say when you were born your mum saw you and screamed, but I remembered you were adopted...

My grandpa said I was too reliant on technology when he saw me on my phone. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

What did scientists prove when they saw a skeleton on the moon?

The cow didn’t make it.

I saw an advertisement for colored pens and how they write. They take a blue pen and write "blue," a yellow pen and write "yellow." I was inspired too.

I took a pen, filled it with my blood, and wrote "AIDS."

What did Adam say when he saw Eve?

Answer: "Woman!"

When the South Tower saw the North Tower collapse, he said, "I'm still standing."

Today I was at PE, and I saw a kid in a wheelchair. I threw a basketball at him, and I yelled, "Rocket League!"

I saw a monkey outside of school and said, "Look, a monkey!" I got expelled the next day.

I saw my wife at the dam yesterday, which sucks because I wanted her to flow further down.

I was walking till I saw a kid sitting on the street. I walked over there and said, "Where are your parents?" He cried even more.

Oh, I just love talking to orphans.

As a murderer, I stabbed a man after infiltrating his house. His wife came in and saw me. She fell into tears. I got up and said, "Drama queen!"

I just saw people writing "Zoophile," "Ailurophile," and "Dendrophilia" in their bios. I thought this was cool, but when I wrote "Necrophile" and "Pedophile," I don't know why people started hating me as if I did something wrong. I was just trying to be cool like them, man.

I was walking by the gun shop earlier and saw everything was 40% off. I didn't know back to school sales were already starting.

I was walking by a prison when I saw a midget in an orange jumpsuit climbing down the fence. When he hit the ground and sneered at me, I said, “Well, that’s a little condescending.”