Saw jokes

Flex tape can fix a sawed-in-half boat. Then how the f*** can it not fix the Titanic when it broke in half? Tell me!

I woke up when I heard a strange noise coming from my kitchen.

I turned on the light, and I saw none other than the exposed flop GHOSTNALDO. He asked me if I had PenalTEA, his favorite drink. I said no and yelled, "There is a big game tomorrow!" and he disappeared.

I went home and I saw my friend kissing my sister. I said, "What’s going on?" They both told me that they’re going out with each other. I said, "Alright."

The next morning, I see my friend kissing my mom. I said, "What’s going here?" They both told me they’re going out with each other. Then my friend said to me, "I gave you 3 gifts. 1 gift, I’m your best friend. 2 gift, I’m your new brother-in-law. 3 gift, I’m your new stepfather." I felt so happy I had a friend that [is] looking out for me.

I was walking down the street when I saw my ex-girlfriend, so I fucked her. Turns out it was her identical twins that she never told me about.

And I decided to confront her. So I did the next time I saw her, but this time it was her identical triplet. There are 3 of them...

AND SHE NEVER BROUGHT THAT UP IN THE 7 YEARS I WAS DATING HER!

Why were ET's eyes so big?

Because he saw the phone bill.

I do not understand why people aren't scared of spiders. I mean, like they have 87447924872320984623879480327678987388025873289576348097923408370983728 legs and 23864867759578590893839420387424763478923748394783294327428748243264278 eyes.

I saw a spider in my room. YOU THINK I'M GONNA SLEEP IN THERE?????????

Nope. I'm moving to Japan.

KONNICHIWA

I saw a monkey outside of school and said, "Look, a monkey!" I got expelled the next day.

What did the sea do when it saw the beach?

It waved!

Why did the plane crash in the ocean? Because the pilot saw steward Undercut!

I saw a cute coworker and had sex in the back until I realized it is a family business.

I could have sworn while watching anime I saw an American Boeing B-29 Superfortress in the background dropping bombs!

I went to a butcher house with my little cousin and saw a baby pig and told her, "Look, it's Pepa Pig!"

She started crying.

Your mom is so fat that when she saw Moby Dick, she said, "We are family... even though you're bigger than me."

So I saw the police. I yelled, "Dumper, get into the fucking yumper!"

I was the manager at a McDonald’s in Turin when I saw Penaldo walk in and submit a job application. I asked him to show me his skills and experience, but he just started diving and asking for pens and tap-ins. I was confused until Penaldo told me that’s all he knows how to do.

Yo mama is so ugly that the Grinch fell out when he saw her!

One day, little Johnny woke up to get a drink of water. He passed by his parents' bedroom and noticed sheets bouncing. He asked his dad what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." Little Johnny said, "Who is your partner?" Dad said, "Your mom." On his way up, he passed by his sister's room and noticed sheets bouncing around and asked what she’s doing. She said, "Playing cards with my boyfriend, Paul." The next day, Dad came to ask Johnny a question. The father noticed Johnny was still in bed and asked him what he was doing. He saw the sheet bouncing and asked Johnny what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." His dad asked him who his partner was. Little Johnny said, "You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand."

Yo mama so fat the last time I saw 90210 was when she stepped on the scale.

Lucky for me I'm only 210.

I saw a website for orphans. It was a bit confusing because I could not find the homepage.

I was bullying a little kid for having a purple eye and said, "Where'd you get that? Your mom? Your dad?"

After that, everyone in my group was laughing at the kid. The next day I never saw him again.