I was studying in Turin and my professor told me I had to use PENS only. I looked in my bag for pens and they were GONE. I looked at the surveillance footage and saw that CRISTIANO PENALDO stole ALL MY PENS. I was fuming. Shame on you Penaldo!
I saw my wife at the dam yesterday. Drat. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream.
A guy is due to meet his friends for drink at a bar but arrives late. When he does eventually turn up his friends ask why he is late.
The guy says, "Well, you won't believe what just happened. I was walking my usual route via the rail tracks when suddenly I saw a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks. Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her."
The friends are cheering and one friend asks, "So... did you get any head?"
The guy replies, "No, I couldn't find it."
I saw an orphan crying the other day, so I ask, "where are your parents?" God, I love working at an orphanage:)
So the other day i saw a child in a wheelchair
he was getting bullied alot so i came up
And said why dont you stand up to those bullies
Man walks into a bar and sees a bear serving drinks... Sits down looking astonished. The bear says “what’s the matter you never saw a bear serving drinks? “ The man says “it’s not that, I just never thought the moose would sell the place.”
Why was the chef embarrassed. He saw the salad dressing.
I was at work yesterday and I saw this kid crying, I went up to him and asked him where his parents were, and he started to cry even more. Gosh, don't you just love working at the orphanage.
I told my friend that someone accused him of blowing dead bears. I said I defended him by responding that I saw 1 get up and walk away.
Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. However, the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.
The first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.
They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed. But you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"
I saw this really old guy with the Hitler stache, so I decided to start beating him up. It was very weird when a camera crew came out with Harrison Ford and started yelling at me.
Can’t believe how ungrateful my dwarf next door neighbor is. I saw him waiting at the bus stop earlier today and offered to give him a lift, but he told me to “fuck off”. In the end I decided to just close my rucksack and walk away.
I was gonna say when you were born your mum saw you and screamed but I remembered you were adopted...
What did Luke Skywalker say when he saw someone bullying his sister? You better not Leia finger on her!
My grandpa said I was too reliant on technology when he saw me on my phone, I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
What did scientists prove when they saw a skeleton on the moon? The cow didn’t make it
when the south tower saw the north tower collapse he say I'm still standing.
i saw a monkey outside of school and said a look a monkey i got expelled the next day.
When someone saw your hairline they thought it was a dorito logo
I was walking till i saw a kid sitting on the street. I walked over there and said where are your parents? He cried even more. oh i just love talking to orphans.
