Said jokes

I went to the grocery and they said I did something wrong, but I thought they were talking about a food, so I said, "Wrong yummy!"

She said she was cheating. I put anti-freeze in her drink.

A hunter shot holes into his favorite book.

When confronted, he said it was the "holey" Bible!

My ex's dad died while she was texting me. She said she had a boyfriend, but I told her I had a dad.

Yo mama was so fat that when she stepped on the scale the scale said: "You gained another pound, nice going fatso, a few more ounces and you can qualify for your own zip code!"

I asked a European what do you call Karens in your country? He said, "American women."

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."

I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7's and 8's.

Do you think John F. Kennedy went for a ride in Dallas just to clear his head because his wife said he was close-minded?

I saw my sisters masturbating with cucumbers and hotdogs.

I said, "Come on, I was gonna eat that later! Now it's just gonna taste like hotdogs and cucumbers!"

I walked up to some Arabs and said "Alawakba," then here came the second tower.

I went fishing with my grandpa, and my fishing line caught the attention of a school of fish. I told him to get my gun.

A black man said, "Where are the young ones?"

My wife told me she was fat and depressed. She asked me to compliment her, so I said, "You have perfect eyesight!"

I arrived at a restaurant early and the manager said, "Do you mind waiting a bit?" I said, "I don’t mind," and he said, "OK. Take these trays to table 9."

Yo mama so fat that when she went to the fatty competition, they said no because they didn't want professionals.

(Just a joke, she's probably kind.)

One day my kid with no arms came up to me and said, "Mom, what's dark humor?" I thought about it, then said, "Go wave to that blind person." He just looked at me, confused, but angry.

One man's trash is another man's treasure, he said when he found out his parents split up and he is being adopted.

When you ask for plastic surgery, they said, "We could not fix you, but the only way is to wear a mask to fix your ugly face."

When I went to see the doctor, he remarked that he hadn't seen me in a while.

I said that I have been ill.