Said jokes

My gf/bf said: "I'm dating your uncle!" You cry and you look under your bed and your uncle says: "Damn."

I thought a waitress said to me, "You're good looking." In fact, she was asking if I'd like some pudding.

I was walking with my black best friend, and he was meeting my parents, and after I got there, they said, "Who's this?" I said, "Well, I own him."

A hunter shot holes into his favorite book.

When confronted, he said it was the "holey" Bible!

Wanna hear a joke?

Yeah.

...

What's the joke?

I said it already!

When I went to see the doctor, he remarked that he hadn't seen me in a while.

I said that I have been ill.

If I had a coin for every time someone said, "If I had a coin," I'd still be living paycheck to paycheck.

My dog got mad at me for touching his toy. He said, "Get your paws off my toy!"

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"

"Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."

I told my friend to look at the clock, then I said, "Is this a bad time?"

So I was visiting my friends Timmy and Tommy at the phone store and I said, "A. T&T!"

I complained to my dad why he never took me to the zoo.

He said if they want you, they’ll come get you.

I ran into a fat woman today. She said next time, don't hit me. I said I don't think I have enough gas to go around.

Then the ground started to rumble with every step she took.

I arrived at a restaurant early and the manager said, "Do you mind waiting a bit?" I said, "I don’t mind," and he said, "OK. Take these trays to table 9."

Imagine playing Subway Surfers in real life.

The creator's son tried that!

(My friends said to post this. I accept no responsibility.)

I went to the grocery and they said I did something wrong, but I thought they were talking about a food, so I said, "Wrong yummy!"

She said she was cheating. I put anti-freeze in her drink.

Kermit the Frog and Fozzie Bear were having a picnic.

Fozzie said, "Do you know where Ms. Piggy is? I haven't seen her all day."

Kermit said, "I don't know, but this extra bacon cheeseburger sure tastes great."

Michael saw mommy kissing Santa Claus and asked her why she did that. Mommy said she was a good girl. Michael Joseph Jackson asked, "Can I be a good girl and kiss Santa Claus?" Mommy replied, "When you grow up to be a rich white woman." And now, we know the rest of the story.

I asked for emotional support. They handed me a mirror and said, "Talk to someone who cares."