Said jokes

Went to the doctor, told him I've been having dreams, first about a wigwam, then about a teepee. He said I was too tense.

I saw an emo kid that got a haircut today. But instead of saying “Like ya cut, g” and slapping the neck, I slapped the wrist and said “Like ya cut’s g”.

I asked my mom what her biggest regret was for a project at school, and she said, "Oh, go look in the bathroom above the sink..." There was a mirror.

I was wearing a George Floyd t-shirt

And a person said to me:

"That must be a bit tight round the neck".

My dad said he'd get the milk, but he forgot I was in his car.

I saw an ad that said, "By the time this ad is over, two identities would have been stolen." So, I did what I had to do and skipped the ad! You're welcome to the two people's identities I saved!

I was in math class when my teacher gave us homework, and she said to me, "You're gonna get an F this time." So I went back home, and f**k my teacher.

What did the pirate say when he saw a ghost? He said, "Oh my God, it's me dead parrot!"

A dog walked into a tavern and said, “I can’t see a thing. I’ll open this one.” The humor of it is probably related to the Sumer way of life (and has been lost), but the words remain.

A dog walked into a tavern and said, "I can't see a thing. I'll open this one."

The humor of it is probably related to the Sumer way of life (and has been lost), but the words remain.

What did the pickle do on the road?

It said, "I'm Pickle Rick!"

What does the door say to the doorbell?

The door said: "You dingus!"

A farmer artificially impregnated a cow. The cow said to another cow, "It's a miracle, I'm pregnant." The other cow said, "That's impossible, it's only us cows in the field, you must be joking." The first cow said, "Nope, I'm serious... no bull!"

I can’t take credit for this joke; it’s not mine.

Remember that time Joe Biden fell off his bike? He said it’s not his fault. He blamed the tires for being too inflated.

Your mom is so fat, when she swam in the sea, Wales came up to her and said, "We are family, even now you’re fatter than me."

Whoever said men will f**k anything that moves is *dead* wrong.

Why does a robot malfunction when they get sad?

Because they have a break down.

My doctor said I could have up to 20 units a week. But now I've eaten half of my kitchen.

My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices in order to pay for my education.

They were both druids.

The patient said, "When will this be over?"

The doctor said, "After you die."

The patient says, "Was that a morbid joke?"

The doctor says, "Well, um, actually, you'll die because we broke the needles and the cure."

The patient says, "Well, it's a bright day, maybe if you weren't clumsy!"