Said jokes

What did the llama say when the villagers said that he had to leave the village?

"Alpaca my bags."

"Officer, don’t arrest me, she said she was 5 in dog years!"

An orphan comes up to me and says, "You're ugly." I said, "You remind me of Spider-Man: No Way Home."

I asked my sister to say something.

She said, "No."

That's what I like to hear.

My friend said that gay people existed 10 years ago.

He can tell the future.

Friend: Hi!

Me: Who are you?

Friend: ...your friend?

Me: What are you talking about? The doctor already said I couldn’t have any.

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus,

"Please send me a sibling!"

Santa Claus wrote him back and said, "Okay, send me your mother!"

Yo mama so fat that when she went to the fatty competition, they said no because they didn't want professionals.

(Just a joke, she's probably kind.)

One day my kid with no arms came up to me and said, "Mom, what's dark humor?" I thought about it, then said, "Go wave to that blind person." He just looked at me, confused, but angry.

My friend in a wheelchair is autistic and tried to fight me, so I said: "If you wanna fight me, I'll run up the stairs, and by the time you get up the stairs, I'll already be down the stairs waiting," and he started crying.

I asked a European what do you call Karens in your country? He said, "American women."

My gf/bf said: "I'm dating your uncle!" You cry and you look under your bed and your uncle says: "Damn."

I thought a waitress said to me, "You're good looking." In fact, she was asking if I'd like some pudding.

I was walking with my black best friend, and he was meeting my parents, and after I got there, they said, "Who's this?" I said, "Well, I own him."

A hunter shot holes into his favorite book.

When confronted, he said it was the "holey" Bible!

Wanna hear a joke?

Yeah.

...

What's the joke?

I said it already!

When I went to see the doctor, he remarked that he hadn't seen me in a while.

I said that I have been ill.

If I had a coin for every time someone said, "If I had a coin," I'd still be living paycheck to paycheck.

My dog got mad at me for touching his toy. He said, "Get your paws off my toy!"

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"

"Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."