What's the worst thing about committing suicide? You can only do it once.
What's the only regret you would have when you eventually kill yourself? It wasn't sooner.
Last night I burned down an orphanage.
There was one survivor who said I would regret it. I said, "What are you gonna do, tell your parents?"
Never attempt to foreshadow your own death, you may end up regretting it. You can chop me up and throw me in the fridge if I’m wrong.
Once an orphan got a girlfriend. He regretted it. She left him too.
This year my friends wanted to dress up as crayons for Halloween. They asked me if I wanted to be a tan crayon. I didn’t want to, but I said yes to be nice. I wish I had said no, because now I look like a dick to everyone else.
There was always that one specific person you thought ruined your life, but it turns out your life has always been ruined by you being in it.
I'm not saying I hate you. I'm just saying that if I could go back in time, I'd give your mom a coat hanger.
Do you know how a dragon is? You don't know who? It's dragging these 2-liter balls across your pathetic face and slamming it into a f*cking dumpster you regret.
A kid asks his dad why his name is Experience. The dad says, "That's what we give our mistakes."
Walk up to the quiet kid and tell him to hang in there. Trust me, you won’t regret it.
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
It was a complete waste of money.
He just stands there applauding and saying, "Ooh, I love how smooth it is."
A woman is slightly drunk, watching a video, when she yells at the screen, "Don't go into that church you dumb bitch!"
Her husband asks, "What are you watching?"
"Our wedding video."
The worst comedians take 9 months to make a joke. Then they spend the rest of their lives trying to forget it.
Guys, don’t put the Holocaust books in the fiction section, it was the worst mistake of my life!
Your mum is so smart, but she still can’t figure out why she had you.
All my life I wanted to be somebody. I wanted to achieve something. Now, after messing up my life at every possible chance, I finally realize that what I really want is to have been someone after following through with one thing.
The other day i pushed a Chinese women off the golden gate bridge i was Wong on so many levels.
Marry or don't marry, you will regret both!
Man 1: I-I ran my mom over to get a stupid book.
Man 2: Aww, books aren't that bad. I'm sure she thinks you're a great son considering she can't drive anymore.
Man 1: She was in the road, and I was rushing to get the last copy of this book. She can't drive or do anything anymore.
What was OceanGate's biggest regret?
Not painting Dylan Mulvaney on the side of the Titan submarine for when it sunk like Bud Light's profits.
