Safety jokes
What does a cigar and a hamster have in common?
Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.
How do you get a depressed kid out of a tree? You cut the rope.
When the school shooter runs out of ammo: K a l m.
When he grabs a full mag: P a n i k.
When he looks back and doesn't see you, but you're hiding in one of the classrooms: K a l m.
When the autistic kid's Sketchers light up: P A N I K.
Were you born on a highway? Because most accidents happen on the highway.
Where is the cheapest gun range? Your local public school.
Not a joke, but this needs saying. Please can someone do something about all the pedo posts on here. It’s honestly just nasty.
Why can't orphans play at a McDonald's play place? They don't have parent supervision.
How many times does 50 fit into 9?
Get in a van and find out!
Which room is the safest place in the house?
The living room.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours.
Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
Always practice safe sex: paint an X on the sheep that kick.
Fact: If you jump off a 12-story building, you will not like the result.
Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!
Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!
Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.
I'm in school shooting. #USA
Me: What's yellow and can't swim?
My sister: What??
Me: A school bus filled with kids.
Did you hear about the boy who got raped by a group of women in the park whilst jogging? Now there are lots of male joggers in the area.
Keep yourself safe!
When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and then you remember there are no speed bumps.
What's better than swinging a baby around on a rope?
Stopping it with a shovel.
I guess making 9/11 jokes at the airport is better than shouting "He's got a gun!" at the airport.