Safety jokes
*Knock Knock* Who's there? Social Services...
When 9/11 happened, we changed our airport policies. When school shootings happen, we haven't changed anything since the shooting at Columbine in 1999. And we say we want the children to be safe.
Pro tip: How to not hit your thumb with a hammer, make your child hold the nail.
I told one of my friends, "You're the reason why gene pools have lifeguards."
Me testing if there is fall damage in real life (falls off of a cliff, uses water bucket trick) dies.
I drank some dye before, but don't worry, I've only dyed a little inside.
What's the difference between a road bump and children crossing the road?
A road bump will make you slow down when you drive over it.
I don’t trust stairs because they’re always up to something.
When you go to a baseball game and they say, "Heads up!" and you put your head up, and the ball hits you in the head.
What is it called when someone is a wheel chair and in a fire?
Answer: Hot wheels...
Teachers: Whenever there’s a school shooting, hide under the desk.
Students: Hiding under desk.
Shooter: Well, no one’s in here!
If at first you don’t succeed... then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
A man was taking a child into a dark forest.
The child said, "I'm scared!"
The man replied, "Well I have to walk home alone."
Did you hear about the Boston marathon? 'Cause, well, I heard it was a blast and that it blew everyone away!
The other day my computer crashed. Luckily, there were no injuries.
Me: What's yellow and can't swim?
My sister: What??
Me: A school bus filled with kids.
What's yellow and can't swim?
A school bus full of screaming children.
What begins with F and ends with CK?
Fuck, I mean fire truck.
Wait, 911 is the American emergency number...
Why did the chicken cro-
UM, ACTUALLY, THE CHICKEN CAN'T CROSS THE ROAD UNLESS IT'S UNDER SOME ROOSTER OR HEN SUPERVISION OR ELSE THE CAR WILL CRASH THE CHICKEN, AND THEY WILL DIE. 🤓