Safety jokes

Me testing if there is fall damage in real life (falls off of a cliff, uses water bucket trick) dies.

When you go to a baseball game and they say, "Heads up!" and you put your head up, and the ball hits you in the head.

If at first you don’t succeed... then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

In case there's a school shooting, the teachers can help out and shoot the kids.

A man was taking a child into a dark forest.

The child said, "I'm scared!"

The man replied, "Well I have to walk home alone."

What's the difference between a road bump and children crossing the road?

A road bump will make you slow down when you drive over it.

Did you hear about the Boston marathon? 'Cause, well, I heard it was a blast and that it blew everyone away!

The other day my computer crashed. Luckily, there were no injuries.

I don’t trust stairs because they’re always up to something.

I told one of my friends, "You're the reason why gene pools have lifeguards."

Me: What's yellow and can't swim?

My sister: What??

Me: A school bus filled with kids.

What's yellow and can't swim?

A school bus full of screaming children.

What begins with F and ends with CK?

Fuck, I mean fire truck.

What's the difference between a white woman and a tornado siren?

The tornado siren doesn't get raped.

What is it called when someone is in a wheelchair and in a fire?

Hot Wheels...

A man ate a glue stick. It tasted bad. He died. Hahahahah!

What do you call a criminal?

Disarmed and dangerous.

A priest and Rabbi run out of the orphanage.

Priest: "How the hell did that fire start?"

Rabbi: "I don't know, but what about the children?"

Priest: "Fuck the children."

Rabbi: "Do we have time?"

Priest: "There's always time for something like that."

What's yellow and can't swim? A bus full of kids.

Wait, 911 is the American emergency number...