Safety jokes

Pro tip: How to not hit your thumb with a hammer, make your child hold the nail.

What is it called when someone is a wheel chair and in a fire?

Answer: Hot wheels...

Teachers: Whenever there’s a school shooting, hide under the desk.

Students: Hiding under desk.

Shooter: Well, no one’s in here!

In case there's a school shooting, the teachers can help out and shoot the kids.

What's the difference between a road bump and children crossing the road?

A road bump will make you slow down when you drive over it.

A man was taking a child into a dark forest.

The child said, "I'm scared!"

The man replied, "Well I have to walk home alone."

I drank some dye before, but don't worry, I've only dyed a little inside.

Did you hear about the Boston marathon? 'Cause, well, I heard it was a blast and that it blew everyone away!

The other day my computer crashed. Luckily, there were no injuries.

I don’t trust stairs because they’re always up to something.

I told one of my friends, "You're the reason why gene pools have lifeguards."

Me: What's yellow and can't swim?

My sister: What??

Me: A school bus filled with kids.

What's yellow and can't swim?

A school bus full of screaming children.

What begins with F and ends with CK?

Fuck, I mean fire truck.

Wait, 911 is the American emergency number...

A man ate a glue stick. It tasted bad. He died. Hahahahah!

What do you call a criminal?

Disarmed and dangerous.

What is it called when someone is in a wheelchair and in a fire?

Hot Wheels...

A priest and Rabbi run out of the orphanage.

Priest: "How the hell did that fire start?"

Rabbi: "I don't know, but what about the children?"

Priest: "Fuck the children."

Rabbi: "Do we have time?"

Priest: "There's always time for something like that."

What's yellow and can't swim? A bus full of kids.