911 what's your emergency?
"Burning in toaster."
"Toast?"
"Yeah so your calling 911 because of burnt toast?"
"Set fire to my forest!"
I'm such a good babysitter because the last person I babysat was so flat.
Being asked for advice after a failed suicide attempt:
"What advice do you have for people out there?"
As a suicide professional, don't try this at home.
I was riding a bike with no helmet. I went and went with no helmet until... I broke my head with no helmet on!
Boyfriend: "Babe, are you traffic police?"
Girlfriend: "No."
Boyfriend: "Then why do you shout at me for not wearing a helmet?"
True fact: School shooters aren’t dangerous to you if you're the school shooter.
"Water exists."
Airport security: "What the fuck did you just say?"
Say this to your significant other (or your weird friends!)
Are you an unsafe staircase? 'Cause you look like you could use a railing.
Why did the kid cross the road?
Because he wasn't wearing his seat belt! 😂
Good Lord, any tips on how to kidnap children? I say, "Free candy," and they run.
Why do so many kids die in school shootings? Because you're not allowed to run in the corridors.
I didn’t know how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.
If you're pro-life, I hope you get hit by a bus today!
Why does the Please Touch Museum sound like "police touch museum?"
Because they gotta watch out for the pedos.
I've got a job defusing landmines.
It's difficult, but hopefully soon I'll find my feet.
Keep yourself safe!
how to make a baby make funny faces Put it feet first in a blender
2 hunter are walking in the forest together. Hunter #2 flops down, unconscious, and and hunter #1 dials 911. Operator: "911 what's your emergency?" Hunter no. 1: "The other hunter, hunting with me in the woods fell asleep." Operator: "Check if he's / she's (not assuming genders) dead." *Operator hears a distant gunshot* Hunter no. 1: "What do I do next?"
what was going through the student's heads during a school shooting?
bullets
my friend died by a truck, why can't I get run over
