Safety jokes
What bounces up and down at 100 miles per hour?
A baby tied to the back of a pick up truck.
When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.
Why did the van cross the road?
To get to the school for the little kids.
Pedophile: You dropped your candy.
Girl: Thanks!
Pedophile stares as she slowly bends over to pick up her candy.
Pedophile: It looks a bit dirty, do you wanna come back to my house and get a new one?
Girl: How far is your house?
Pedophile: It's that white one right over there.
Girl: You mean that van next to a dumpster?
Pedophile: Yep, it's that one.
Girl:.... Sure! :P
Audience:.........Dumbass girl.
You were born on the freeway, you know why?
Because that's where a lot of accidents happen. š
I'm not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and I'm not gonna die the same way.
We almost drowned when we went out boating, but I got a watermelon to keep me floating.
I have fun going on them roller coasters that go really high up and sitting by random people, and once we get to the high point, I look at the stranger and go "wham" and unplug their seat belt.
How to make a baby make funny faces?
Put it feet first in a blender.
Two persons were in a car. The brakes were broken and they were going so fast that they would crash and die.
The driver said: "Oh no! We will die!" but the person sitting next to him replied: "Don't panic, the stop sign at the end of the road will stop us."
Dead people canāt cross the street because they're dead, ha ha!
Q: Why did Sally survive the car accident?
A: She hit an ambulance.
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? "You're too young to smoke."
A doctor fell into a well and broke his collarbone.
The doctor should attend the sick and leave the well alone!
There is one good part about paedophiles... they go slow in school zones.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a soda can?
He was lucky it was a soft drink!
When the school shooter leaves your classroom and the autistic kidās sketchers light up.
Donāt have phone sex without protection, you might get hearing aids!
Why do I carry pepper spray?
Just in case of as-SAULT.
How did the blind Catholic get in a car crash? He asked Jesus to take the wheel.