Safety jokes
Driving on a road at night and hit a speed bump. Remember, there are no speed bumps... I hit Bambi!
What do you think is going through kids' heads during school shootings? Bullets.
My dad: You better wear flip-flops everywhere.
Suicidal son: Goes to crack alley.
Why did Paul Walker cross the road?
He wasn’t wearing a seat belt.
When the school shooter is just about to leave your classroom, and you think you're in the clear, but the Down syndrome kid says, "Goodbye."
Kid: "Mom, what happened to Jim?"
Mom: "He got inside a white van."
Always practice safe sex: paint an X on the sheep that kick.
What's the difference between a chicken and me? None, they both don't watch right and left before crossing the road.
So a woman was paranoid, so she had a dog to check to see if anything was wrong. She would always stick her hand under the bed, and if the dog licked her hand, then she was safe. One night, just before bed, she stuck her hand under the bed. She felt a lick, so she went to bed. In the middle of the night, she needed to go to the bathroom. So, she walked into the bathroom, and on the window, it said: "HUMANS CAN LICK TOO!" Then she was murdered.
Why did Sally cross the road?
She didn’t wear her seatbelt.
Do you know why you should never let a blonde handle grenades?
They'll end up only throwing the pin.
Why shouldn't you buy Russian underpants?
Because Chernobyl fallout.
Why didn't the drummer play?
Because he got a percussion.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving, you need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
I live next to a kindergarten, and yesterday they had a fire drill. It was kinda weird because normally it's me who has a drill around little children.
My girlfriend lives a few miles away from me.
The other night, she called me at around 3 AM. She was terrified. She said that there were two armed gunmen in her apartment.
With all that adrenaline going through my system, it made it hard to go back to sleep.
Why did the guy get the hose?
Because the girl was smoking hot.
What's better than swinging a baby around on a rope?
Stopping it with a shovel.
what's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? the trampoline doesn't cave in when i jump on it.
Q: Why did the baby cross the road?
A: It wasn't in its car seat.