What's the difference between a chicken and me? None, they both don't watch right and left before crossing the road.
So a woman was paranoid, so she had a dog to check to see if anything was wrong. She would always stick her hand under the bed, and if the dog licked her hand, then she was safe. One night, just before bed, she stuck her hand under the bed. She felt a lick, so she went to bed. In the middle of the night, she needed to go to the bathroom. So, she walked into the bathroom, and on the window, it said: "HUMANS CAN LICK TOO!" Then she was murdered.
Why did Sally cross the road?
She didn’t wear her seatbelt.
Do you know why you should never let a blonde handle grenades?
They'll end up only throwing the pin.
Why shouldn't you buy Russian underpants?
Because Chernobyl fallout.
Why didn't the drummer play?
Because he got a percussion.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving, you need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
I live next to a kindergarten, and yesterday they had a fire drill. It was kinda weird because normally it's me who has a drill around little children.
My girlfriend lives a few miles away from me.
The other night, she called me at around 3 AM. She was terrified. She said that there were two armed gunmen in her apartment.
With all that adrenaline going through my system, it made it hard to go back to sleep.
Why did the guy get the hose?
Because the girl was smoking hot.
What's better than swinging a baby around on a rope?
Stopping it with a shovel.
what's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? the trampoline doesn't cave in when i jump on it.
Q: Why did the baby cross the road?
A: It wasn't in its car seat.
How do you clean ash off a stove with chemicals?
What is the best way to catch a baby from falling off the roof?
With a pitchfork.
How do you stop a baby from drowning?
Take your foot off its head.
When the school lets you near children again...
I was riding my bike down the road!
When a car started coming, I started running.
It put me in a crash with my elbow through my ass! ;)
What's yellow and can't float?
A school bus full of children.
How do you stop a baby from crawling on the floor?
Nail one hand to the ground...
How do you stop it from crawling in circles? Nail the other hand to the floor.
