Safety jokes
How do you clean ash off a stove with chemicals?
What is the best way to catch a baby from falling off the roof?
With a pitchfork.
How do you stop a baby from drowning?
Take your foot off its head.
When the school lets you near children again...
I was riding my bike down the road!
When a car started coming, I started running.
It put me in a crash with my elbow through my ass! ;)
What's yellow and can't float?
A school bus full of children.
How do you stop a baby from crawling on the floor?
Nail one hand to the ground...
How do you stop it from crawling in circles? Nail the other hand to the floor.
Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"
Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."
Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."
Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."
My last thought: Am I a murderer?
What’s one good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in a school zone.
What's the first thing that a battered woman does when she gets out of the shelter?
My last if she knows what's good for her.
Q: What did I find on my son's search history?
A: Where is the nearest gun shop?
Seat belts are like the condom for cars.
Why did two red heads fall off the plane? Because they were so damn blind.
"If all of these structures break we will all die."
And I said, "Hey, that is not supportive!"
And he said, "It would be breaking news."
What's worse than 10 babies in a truck?
One baby in 10 trucks.
What's the difference between me and a bus?
I'm not on fire...
A horse walks into a bar. Several people get up and leave, realizing the potential danger in the situation.
Why did Paul Walker cross the road?
Because he wasn’t wearing his seat belt.
I was driving through a neighborhood when I saw a sign that said "Autistic Child Zone." Then I thought to myself, "Oh shit, that wasn't a dog!"
What's the one good thing about pedophiles? They slow down near schoolzones.