Safety jokes
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving, you need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
I live next to a kindergarten, and yesterday they had a fire drill. It was kinda weird because normally it's me who has a drill around little children.
My girlfriend lives a few miles away from me.
The other night, she called me at around 3 AM. She was terrified. She said that there were two armed gunmen in her apartment.
With all that adrenaline going through my system, it made it hard to go back to sleep.
Why did the guy get the hose?
Because the girl was smoking hot.
What's better than swinging a baby around on a rope?
Stopping it with a shovel.
what's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? the trampoline doesn't cave in when i jump on it.
Q: Why did the baby cross the road?
A: It wasn't in its car seat.
How do you clean ash off a stove with chemicals?
What is the best way to catch a baby from falling off the roof?
With a pitchfork.
How do you stop a baby from drowning?
Take your foot off its head.
When the school lets you near children again...
I was riding my bike down the road!
When a car started coming, I started running.
It put me in a crash with my elbow through my ass! ;)
What's yellow and can't float?
A school bus full of children.
How do you stop a baby from crawling on the floor?
Nail one hand to the ground...
How do you stop it from crawling in circles? Nail the other hand to the floor.
Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"
Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."
Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."
Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."
My last thought: Am I a murderer?
What’s one good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in a school zone.
What's the first thing that a battered woman does when she gets out of the shelter?
My last if she knows what's good for her.
Q: What did I find on my son's search history?
A: Where is the nearest gun shop?
Seat belts are like the condom for cars.
Why did two red heads fall off the plane? Because they were so damn blind.