Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"
Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."
Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."
Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."
My last thought: Am I a murderer?
What’s one good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in a school zone.
What's the first thing that a battered woman does when she gets out of the shelter?
My last if she knows what's good for her.
Q: What did I find on my son's search history?
A: Where is the nearest gun shop?
Seat belts are like the condom for cars.
Why did two red heads fall off the plane? Because they were so damn blind.
"If all of these structures break we will all die."
And I said, "Hey, that is not supportive!"
And he said, "It would be breaking news."
What's worse than 10 babies in a truck?
One baby in 10 trucks.
What's the difference between me and a bus?
I'm not on fire...
A horse walks into a bar. Several people get up and leave, realizing the potential danger in the situation.
Why did Paul Walker cross the road?
Because he wasn’t wearing his seat belt.
I was driving through a neighborhood when I saw a sign that said "Autistic Child Zone." Then I thought to myself, "Oh shit, that wasn't a dog!"
What's the one good thing about pedophiles? They slow down near schoolzones.
Say what you want about pedophiles, but at least they drive slow through school zones.
A fire broke out at the circus, it was intense.
A 14 year old girl was walking back home late at night, then a man was following her. An hour later, she got back home not only had she lost the stranger, but also her virginity.
What is the best type of snake?
A dead one.
Q: What is red, white, and blue and fun to watch?
A: A cop car rolling over after trying to catch someone for speeding.
What do you get when you cross a highway on a bike?
Run over.
My friend was a victim of a school shooting once, but he couldn't tell if they were in the library because of the suppressor on his AR.
