Safety

Safety Jokes

Landmine

I've got a job defusing landmines.

It's difficult, but hopefully soon I'll find my feet.

Halloween

Hey guys, I have a question.

Doesn't everyone's parents tell them don't take candy from strangers? Then what is Halloween?

Cat

You wanna know proof that cats don't always land on their feet? Well then, watch The Lion King.

Emo kid

Q. What hits the ground first when falling out of a tree, a leaf or an emo kid? A. A leaf. There is usually a rope to stop the emo kid.

Sexual Assault

A man is consoling his nine-year-old daughter after she had been sexually assaulted.

"You need to be more careful," he said as he wrapped his arm around her, "this time it was me, next time it could be a total stranger."

Fire

I heard that to slow the growth of fire, you use a flame retardant.

So I threw my stupid son in the flames when my house caught on fire!

Disaster

Why did so many people die in the Grenfell Fire Disaster in London?

All the exit signs were in English.

Rope

How do you get a depressed kid out of a tree? You cut the rope.

Wrap

Paul Walker made a new wrap cover, it's called "Flying Through the Windshield," and the song's name is "Crossing the Street."

Rapist

90 percent of women kiss with their eyes closed, which is why it's so difficult to identify a rapist.

Rapist

How did the man with a small penis become a rapist? His condom fell off.

Anus

Why is my anus burning?

'Cause I sat on an open lighter, oh god, help!

Hunter

Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. Their names were Johony and Papa.

All of the sudden, Johony passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says “911, what's your emergency?” The hunter replies “My son just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says “Ok, now what?”