Safety jokes
I do consider Johnny Depp to be a victim of domestic violence.
Just like how I consider a children's hospital run by Michael Jackson and a retirement home run by Harold Shipman to be both safe places to be in.
Why does the Please Touch Museum sound like "police touch museum?"
Because they gotta watch out for the pedos.
Rape can happen to anybody, so I think I will continue taking the short cut home through the dark alleyways, wearing barely anything and walk really close to bushes.
When is a rapist safe around children?
When his plans are oven ready.
What's the #1 rule of kidnapping prevention?
Don't get carried away!
The way to stop school shootings is to give children an RPG.
I've got a job defusing landmines.
It's difficult, but hopefully soon I'll find my feet.
Hey guys, I have a question.
Doesn't everyone's parents tell them don't take candy from strangers? Then what is Halloween?
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair on fire?
Hot wheels.
How to fall down the stairs:
Step 1, 2, 3, 6, 10, floor.
You wanna know proof that cats don't always land on their feet? Well then, watch The Lion King.
Q. What hits the ground first when falling out of a tree, a leaf or an emo kid? A. A leaf. There is usually a rope to stop the emo kid.
A man is consoling his nine-year-old daughter after she had been sexually assaulted.
"You need to be more careful," he said as he wrapped his arm around her, "this time it was me, next time it could be a total stranger."
I heard that to slow the growth of fire, you use a flame retardant.
So I threw my stupid son in the flames when my house caught on fire!
Why did so many people die in the Grenfell Fire Disaster in London?
All the exit signs were in English.
Why drink water and not bleach?
How do you get a depressed kid out of a tree? You cut the rope.
Paul Walker made a new wrap cover, it's called "Flying Through the Windshield," and the song's name is "Crossing the Street."
90 percent of women kiss with their eyes closed, which is why it's so difficult to identify a rapist.
When you let the school shooter borrow your pen so he doesn't kill you.