Russian jokes
Playing Russian roulette alone means you're bound to be a winner eventually.
In a thick Russian accent:
"Let's buy some vodka, pollute the earth with oil, and make insecure nuclear power plants that break all the time! Ah, yes. The mother land. A great place to be. Not like those stupid Ukrainian people who are living happy lives, they are crazy and need to die."
Five out of six people agree that Russian Roulette is safe.
Have you ever heard of the Russian politician who was so afraid of the dark that, instead of going to the bathroom at night, he would use a metal tin that he kept underneath his bed?
His name is Vladimir Pootin.
Why does Russia suck at chess? They only have pawns.
Your momma's so fat that she's used goods, like the Russian tanks.
White Russians, do you mean red, white, blue, and dead White Russians?
I've got an impressive record at Russian roulette. Retired after one loss ever.
Why do Russians drink grizzly bear piss?
Since vodka in Russia is so weak, Russians need a strong drink to get drunk.
"Russian" twists into a ditch, dead!
Russians be like: "bfddrhnnkhsaxbjk speak English!"
What do children with cancer and Russian soldiers have in common? Their life doesn't last long.
Americans leave without saying goodbye.
Russians say goodbye without leaving.
Once at school, a teacher thought I was Russian. Why do you think that? I said. The teacher replied, because you're reading from Right to Left.
Why are Russians forced to drink grizzly bear piss in Russia?
Because vodka in Russia is weak.
A Russian, a Cuban, and an Englishman are on a ship. The Russian takes a swig of vodka and throws the bottle overboard. The Cuban and Englishman with astonishment say to the Russian, "What did you do that for?"
The Russian says, "In Russia, we got an unlimited supply of vodka."
A little while later, the Cuban lights up a cigar, takes a puff, and throws it overboard. The Cuban says, "We got an unlimited supply of Cuban Cigars in Cuba."
Then the Englishman grabs a Paki and throws him overboard...
A Russian, a Brit, and a terrorist are in an air balloon.
First, the Russian says, "I dare to throw a stone down!" So he does that, but the others don't seem to be impressed. So the Brit says, "I dare to throw a brick down!" So again he does that, the Russian is impressed, but the terrorist laughs and says, "I dare to throw a bomb down!" So he does that and everybody can't believe what they have just seen. So a bit further, they land, and a shocked and afraid little boy comes running up to them. So they ask what happened, on which the little boy said, "I farted and my school exploded."
What does a Russian do for entertainment?
A nuclear world fair.
If someone's debating the speed of light and a drunk Russian, the Russian would take speed to grab a falling wallet.
Putin be like, Finland and Sweden are bullying me with NATO, the same NATO that can't even reload a gun! Russians are pussies!