Russian Jokes

Five out of six people agree that Russian Roulette is safe.

Have you ever heard of the Russian politician who was so afraid of the dark that, instead of going to the bathroom at night, he would use a metal tin that he kept underneath his bed?

His name is Vladimir Pootin.

A Russian wedding should be called a Soviet Union.

White Russians, do you mean red, white, blue, and dead White Russians?

I've got an impressive record at Russian roulette. Retired after one loss ever.

The image shows a revolver with one bullet loaded. The text above the gun says "Fun fact: 5 in 6 people finds russian roulette completely harmless."

Why does Russia suck at chess? They only have pawns.

Your momma's so fat that she's used goods, like the Russian tanks.

"Russian" twists into a ditch, dead!

Russians be like: "bfddrhnnkhsaxbjk speak English!"

What do children with cancer and Russian soldiers have in common? Their life doesn't last long.

Once at school, a teacher thought I was Russian. Why do you think that? I said. The teacher replied, because you're reading from Right to Left.

Americans leave without saying goodbye.

Russians say goodbye without leaving.

A Russian, a Cuban, and an Englishman are on a ship. The Russian takes a swig of vodka and throws the bottle overboard. The Cuban and Englishman with astonishment say to the Russian, "What did you do that for?"

The Russian says, "In Russia, we got an unlimited supply of vodka."

A little while later, the Cuban lights up a cigar, takes a puff, and throws it overboard. The Cuban says, "We got an unlimited supply of Cuban Cigars in Cuba."

Then the Englishman grabs a Paki and throws him overboard...

A Russian, a Brit, and a terrorist are in an air balloon.

First, the Russian says, "I dare to throw a stone down!" So he does that, but the others don't seem to be impressed. So the Brit says, "I dare to throw a brick down!" So again he does that, the Russian is impressed, but the terrorist laughs and says, "I dare to throw a bomb down!" So he does that and everybody can't believe what they have just seen. So a bit further, they land, and a shocked and afraid little boy comes running up to them. So they ask what happened, on which the little boy said, "I farted and my school exploded."

What does a Russian do for entertainment?

A nuclear world fair.

If someone's debating the speed of light and a drunk Russian, the Russian would take speed to grab a falling wallet.

Putin be like, Finland and Sweden are bullying me with NATO, the same NATO that can't even reload a gun! Russians are pussies!

Hello my fellow Canadians, I mean Americans. I, your cool and hip president, has decided to give everyone free ice cream! Even the Russians. Go out to your local ice cream shop and make sure to leave your kids at home!

Have you ever seen that weird ad that pops up at the bottom: sexy Russian babes looking for men older than 30, and they're 18, so is it a reverse pedo? Oh well.