My young son saw trump on TV he asked “Why is the man on TV painted orange?” I replied “Son when Russia pays that much for equipment, They don’t want it to rust”

So one day, I took a trip to Russia, and saw Vladimir Putin walking in the streets without any body guards. Seeing as how I looked just like him, we switched places for a few days. After two days, some officer came up to me and asked if we were going to project блять, and I had said yes, and the officer said god help us. So a day later, I heard on the news that every other continent, and the moon were destroyed. I then approached the officer and said. I thought you meant we were having a giant orgy. He said we did, and that we were extremely drunk.

In Soviet Russia, gay sex gets you arrested.

In America, getting arrested gets you gay sex.

A Russian walked into a bar… unlucky for him, in Soviet Russia, you don’t walk into bars. Bars walk into you

In Soviet Russia, You love Chinese and hate Chinese

in normal country they have lemonade in soviet russia they have Leninade “refresh yourself with a cold war.”

hippity hoppity dont abolish my property

y do people name a kid rob because they want him to rob a bank so they could adopt new kids to lock in there basement for a late night toy

An american is touring the Soviet union. A russian takes him to a school so he can see what its like. He asks the kids if they like the Soviet Union. All of the kids say yes they love it. All but one. That kid bursts out crying. The american asks whats wrong and he cries “I want to live in the Soviet Union!”

In normal country you call it Yugoslavia. In soviet Russia its call aregoslavia.

In normal country you call it Yugoslavia. In soviet Russia its called yugostravia.

In communist Russia there is no discrimination. White, black, African, American, British and Asian. They all go to Gulag eventually

In America planes hit the twin towers. In Soviet Russia Twin Towers hit planes.

An American, a Cuban, a Russian, and a lawyer are sitting on a subway train, in the same seat. The Cuban pulls out a Cuban cigar for each person, and hands it out. The Cuban takes one puff of his cigar, and he throws it out the window. Everybody but the Cuban goes mad. ¨You just wasted an expensive Cuban cigar! How could you?¨ The Cuban simply says, ¨See, in Cuba, cigars are very cheap.¨ The other passengers are reassured and respond with, ¨Oh, OK.¨

The Russian takes out a small bottle of Russian vodka and pours a shot for all the passengers. The Russian downs his shot, and throws the vodka bottle out the window. The rest of the passengers are alarmed, once again. ¨You just destroyed an expensive bottle of Russian vodka! How could you?¨ The Russian simply states, ¨See, in Russia, vodka is very cheap.¨ Yet again, the other passengers are reassured and respond with, ¨Ah, yes! Of course.¨

The American scratches his head and goes, ¨I think I see the pattern here.¨ So he takes the lawyer, and he throws him out the window!¨

Why are Trump’s ties so long?

Because they go all the way to Russia.

What was the name of Russia’s first female traffic cop?

Ivana Pulyova

Russian history in 5 words: “And then things got worse.”