40+ Putin Jokes

So, I was at a stand up comedy show in Russia where the comedian was making fun of Putin. The jokes weren’t that good, but I loved the execution.

People: Stop invading Ukraine!

Putin: Ukraine? you mean Mykraine.

Putin's Brain:

Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, and Angela Merkel are standing at the shore and are trying to impress each other with the accomplishments of their countries. Putin brags, "We have nuclear submarines which can stay underwater for six weeks without having to resurface!". Trump goes on, "Six weeks? That's nothing. I have the best submarines, they're underwater für at least three months!". Merkel is about to respond, when a giant steel colossus emerges from the sea. A hatch opens, a black uniform appears - "Heil Hitler! We need Diesel."

Anyone know about the war? It's not Russia we should hate, it's Putin that we should. 🙄🤪💅

Trump likes to grab 'em by the pussy. Putin likes to grab them by their tiny hands.

Vladimir Putin is probably a homophobe because he has to go through life with the name of a gay porn star.

Why does Donald Trump have a fervent crush on the Russian president?

He is Putin his dick where it don't belong!

What is the difference between Putin and Hitler? Putin no longer supplies gas and Hitler gives it away for free.

What is the difference between Putin and an onion?

Nobody cries because of a cut Putin.

Russia is so corrupt that Putin was voted most sexiest man.

How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know, they just keep Putin them in.

What is Vladimir Putin's favorite song?

Answer: Crimea River!

Just told Putin to get some b*tches.

Waiting for 3801 missiles to strike my house.

Adolf Hitler + Vladimir Putin = Vladolf Putler.

Have you ever heard of the Russian politician who was so afraid of the dark that, instead of going to the bathroom at night, he would use a metal tin that he kept underneath his bed?

His name is Vladimir Pootin.