Restaurant jokes

I was drinking a martini when a waitress yelled, "Do you know CPR?"

I replied, "I know the entire alphabet!" We all laughed and laughed, well, except one person.

How does an orange 🍊 go into a crowded restaurant?

By squeezing his way in.

Waiter: Can I have your order?

Me: No, it’s mine!

What's another place orphans can't work at besides SC Johnson?

The Home Depot.

Wanna hear a pizza joke?

Ah, never mind, it's too cheesy.

What’s the worst part about eating vegetables? Putting them back in the wheelchair.

Why is a waiter good at math?

Because he knows his TABLES! 🤣

Yo' mama is so stupid, when they said, "Order in the court," she asked for fries and a shake.

Once a man goes to a restaurant. Then, he was waiting until the waitress comes and tells him that they don't have food.

He was grumpy, but the waitress make him relaxing by unbuttoning her pants and undressing her panties and uncovering clothes from her pussy until everything get striped, then she say to him: "Good meal."

Wanna hear a joke about pizza?

Never mind, it’s too cheesy! 😅

I had to give up my vegetarian diet.

Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.

Ayo, the pizza here... OH NlGGA! AHHHHH!... Augh, my ears burn!

Q: What's the difference between an abortion clinic and Uber Eats?

A: The abortion clinic doesn't deliver.

"Hey Modda, I'm hungry."

Yo mama so fat that when she went to KFC, she asked for the bucket on the roof.

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

One day my friend said: "I want tacos from Katie's, you?" and I said no thanks and she left. I never saw her again. Today I remember that I saw her name on TV as one of the victims of suicide, then I remember her and my motto: "If I'm dying, you're dying with me, you got no choice." I NEVER ate tacos from Katie's again.

The next time you get a sack call, pick up the phone and say, "Welcome to Pete's pizzeria and abortion clinic. Your loss is next week's sauce. How may we help you?"

Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50. Getting home to find they've forgotten one of your dishes... rice-less!

A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

“No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”