Religion jokes
What’s the difference between Jesus and a hooker?
The look on their face when you're nailing them.
Roses are red... Orphans are blue... I killed the priest so I could rape them too.
What did the priest say to the skunk?
Let us spray.
How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up like an altar boy.
How come I have a father but not a dad?
He was a priest.
What do priests and doctors have in common?
They both do physicals on kids.
How does Moses make his cup of tea?
He brews it.
What does a priest and a clown have in common?
They both make children cry.
How did Jesus like his chicken?
Crucifried.
Jesus said to his disciples, "Go forth and ye shall receive eternal life." Thomas came fifth, however, so he only got a toaster.
Two priests are in a bar. One says to the other priest, "I'll swap you two fives for a ten."
What do McDonald's and a priest have in common? They both put their meat in 10 year old buns.
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?
Acne waits until you're 13 to come on your face.
Why do orphans go to church on family day? cuz they get to spend time with their father.
What do you call an atheist bone? -- A blasfemur.
Jesus and Moses come back to Earth.
Moses says, "Let's go down to the ocean and see if I can do what I used to when I was here before." So Moses raises his arms and motions to part the waters. Sure enough, he is able to part the waters just as before.
Jesus quips, "Close the water, I'm going to try to do what I used to when I was here last." So Jesus walks out on top of the water, then sinks to the bottom. He crawls out pulling seaweed off of him. Moses says, "Hey, it's not your fault, you didn't have those holes in your feet before."
I hated church growing up as a child. It was always standing, kneeling, sitting, standing, kneeling, sitting. I wish the priest would just pick a position and f*** me!
How do angels 😇 make holy water 💧?
They boil the hell out of it.
Muslim child to his mother: "Mom, why is my backpack so heavy?"
Mom: "Allahu Akbar, my son, Allahu Akbar!"
What's the difference between the righteous and a sinner?
You decide.