Religion jokes

Priests are called father because it would be suspicious to call him daddy.

When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead, I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

Did Jesus die a virgin?

Of course not! He got nailed before he died.

I'll always remember my Dad's last words before he died on 9/11...

Allahu Akbar!

Roses are red... Orphans are blue... I killed the priest so I could rape them too.

What’s the difference between Jesus and a hooker?

The look on their face when you're nailing them.

How come I have a father but not a dad?

He was a priest.

How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up like an altar boy.

What do priests and doctors have in common?

They both do physicals on kids.

What did the priest say to the skunk?

Let us spray.

How does Moses make his cup of tea?

He brews it.

How did Jesus like his chicken?

Crucifried.

Jesus said to his disciples, "Go forth and ye shall receive eternal life." Thomas came fifth, however, so he only got a toaster.

Two priests are in a bar. One says to the other priest, "I'll swap you two fives for a ten."

What do McDonald's and a priest have in common? They both put their meat in 10 year old buns.

What do you call an atheist bone? -- A blasfemur.

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?

Acne waits until you're 13 to come on your face.

Why do orphans go to church on family day? cuz they get to spend time with their father.

Jesus and Moses come back to Earth.

Moses says, "Let's go down to the ocean and see if I can do what I used to when I was here before." So Moses raises his arms and motions to part the waters. Sure enough, he is able to part the waters just as before.

Jesus quips, "Close the water, I'm going to try to do what I used to when I was here last." So Jesus walks out on top of the water, then sinks to the bottom. He crawls out pulling seaweed off of him. Moses says, "Hey, it's not your fault, you didn't have those holes in your feet before."

I hated church growing up as a child. It was always standing, kneeling, sitting, standing, kneeling, sitting. I wish the priest would just pick a position and f*** me!