Jesus said to his disciples, "Go forth and ye shall receive eternal life." Thomas came fifth, however, so he only got a toaster.
How much pussy does a priest get? None.
I'll always remember my Dad's last words before he died on 9/11...
Allahu Akbar!
What do McDonald's and a priest have in common? They both put their meat in 10 year old buns.
Why aren't there any closets in southern churches? Closets have coat hangers.
What do you call an atheist bone? -- A blasfemur.
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?
Acne waits until you're 13 to come on your face.
Why do orphans go to church on family day? cuz they get to spend time with their father.
Jesus and Moses come back to Earth.
Moses says, "Let's go down to the ocean and see if I can do what I used to when I was here before." So Moses raises his arms and motions to part the waters. Sure enough, he is able to part the waters just as before.
Jesus quips, "Close the water, I'm going to try to do what I used to when I was here last." So Jesus walks out on top of the water, then sinks to the bottom. He crawls out pulling seaweed off of him. Moses says, "Hey, it's not your fault, you didn't have those holes in your feet before."
I hated church growing up as a child. It was always standing, kneeling, sitting, standing, kneeling, sitting. I wish the priest would just pick a position and f*** me!
How do angels 😇 make holy water 💧?
They boil the hell out of it.
Why did God build a stairway to heaven?
So all the disabled people will have to go to hell.
What's the difference between a penis and the bible? Nothing, the priest shoved them both down my throat.
Why can't Jesus judge gay people?
He got nailed right before he died.
What do altar boys and strippers have in common? Father issues.
Muslim child to his mother: "Mom, why is my backpack so heavy?"
Mom: "Allahu Akbar, my son, Allahu Akbar!"
Why do priests perform baptisms? So they can see children wet.
What's the difference between the righteous and a sinner?
You decide.
What's black and white and hard as nails? A nun on speed!
I'm treated like God when I'm home, I'm usually ignored until someone wants something.
