Religion jokes
My sisters ask me, "Are you really a virgin?" I say, "That's nun of your business!"
Did Jesus die a virgin?
Of course not! He got nailed before he died.
What's the difference between baby Jesus and the baby I keep in my basement?
Baby Jesus died a virgin.
I'll always remember my Dad's last words before he died on 9/11...
Allahu Akbar!
Two priests are in a bar. One says to the other priest, "I'll swap you two fives for a ten."
How much pussy does a priest get? None.
Did you hear about the gay choirboy?
He choked on his first hymn.
When the priest said, "Be gone from this boy, demon!" the demon replied, "And you get out of the boy!"
What was Jesus's favorite sport?
Lacrosse.
What do you get when you cross a Jewish person?
Christianity.
How do you trick a homophobic heterosexual male that is a Roman Catholic priest into using the glory hole inside the men's restroom at a gay bar?
Tell him that it is a confessional booth.
Who led the Israelites through the semipermeable membrane?
Osmoses.
I heard that cataracts are the third leading cause of blindness...
... the first two being politics and religion.
How is a priest like a wristwatch?
They both start at 12.
How do you know you've found a priest? When little Timmy is glued to his crotch.
God: You're gonna have 2 parents.
Orphan: Double it and give it to the next person.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school?
Father-in-law.
Why do orphans go to church?
Because they can call someone "father."
My gay ass: I want to find Jesus.
Religious mom: FINALLY!
Me: Grabs a noose.
Jesus takes his disciples to a bar.
"13 pints of water, please," he says to the barman.
"Oh, fuck, not you again," the barman replies.
"You boys are about to see something real special," says Jesus.