Religion jokes
What was Jesus's favorite sport?
Lacrosse.
Why do orphans go to church?
Because they can call someone "father."
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school?
Father-in-law.
I went to the tattoo shop and asked for a skull.
A Jewish guy behind me said, "A skull? Back in my day, we could only get numbers!"
What do you get when you cross a Jewish person?
Christianity.
A policeman walks up to a van with two priests and says, "We're looking for two child molesters."
The priests both look at each other for a moment and then say, "Okay, we'll do it."
How did Protestants perform in the 16th century? Well done.
A Muslim enters a building with 100 passengers and an airplane.
God: You're gonna have 2 parents.
Orphan: Double it and give it to the next person.
Who led the Israelites through the semipermeable membrane?
Osmoses.
I heard that cataracts are the third leading cause of blindness...
... the first two being politics and religion.
"Spray and pray," also known as a priest with an altar boy.
And God said to John, "Come forth, and you shall be granted eternal life."
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
My gay ass: I want to find Jesus.
Religious mom: FINALLY!
Me: Grabs a noose.
Come, my children, to the bread cult!
Finally, some social platform where you can talk about Muslims and not get bombed.
Obv, unless you share your residence.
What’s the difference between Jeffrey Dahmer and a priest?
They both like lil' boys.
Jesus takes his disciples to a bar.
"13 pints of water, please," he says to the barman.
"Oh, fuck, not you again," the barman replies.
"You boys are about to see something real special," says Jesus.
Why did Stephen Hawking go to hell?
Because he couldn’t climb up the stairs to heaven.
Your mom is so ugly, she made the devil go to church.