My sisters ask me, "Are you really a virgin?" I say, "That's nun of your business!"
What did Adam say when he saw Eve?
Answer: "Woman!"
A policeman walks up to a van with two priests and says, "We're looking for two child molesters."
The priests both look at each other for a moment and then say, "Okay, we'll do it."
What do you get when you cross a Jewish person?
Christianity.
Who led the Israelites through the semipermeable membrane?
Osmoses.
God: You're gonna have 2 parents.
Orphan: Double it and give it to the next person.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says, "I think I'm a type-O."
I went to the tattoo shop and asked for a skull.
A Jewish guy behind me said, "A skull? Back in my day, we could only get numbers!"
I heard that cataracts are the third leading cause of blindness...
... the first two being politics and religion.
Two priests walk into a store, and cops come up to them and say they’re looking for a child molester, and the priests both say, "I’ll do it!"
A Muslim enters a building with 100 passengers and an airplane.
And God said to John, "Come forth, and you shall be granted eternal life."
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
What's the difference between Woody from Toy Story and a Catholic priest?
One goes limp when a child walks in the room.
My gay ass: I want to find Jesus.
Religious mom: FINALLY!
Me: Grabs a noose.
Come, my children, to the bread cult!
Finally, some social platform where you can talk about Muslims and not get bombed.
Obv, unless you share your residence.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school?
Father-in-law.
Why do orphans go to church?
Because they can call someone "father."
"Spray and pray," also known as a priest with an altar boy.
Why did Stephen Hawking go to hell?
Because he couldn’t climb up the stairs to heaven.
