Religion jokes

A Christian Missionary walks up to some people and says, "Come! Meet Jesus!"

One of the guys takes out a knife and says, "You first."

Jesus and Moses come back to Earth.

Moses says, "Let's go down to the ocean and see if I can do what I used to when I was here before." So Moses raises his arms and motions to part the waters. Sure enough, he is able to part the waters just as before.

Jesus quips, "Close the water, I'm going to try to do what I used to when I was here last." So Jesus walks out on top of the water, then sinks to the bottom. He crawls out pulling seaweed off of him. Moses says, "Hey, it's not your fault, you didn't have those holes in your feet before."

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off."

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause!

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out."

Now, how about that drink?

What's the difference between a hooker and Jesus?

Their face when you nail them!

A missionary was caught by cannibals. He was tied up and thrown into a big pot. The cannibals were chopping up vegetables and throwing them into the pot with the missionary. When they lit the fire under the pot, the missionary said, "You can't stew me. I'm a friar."

God's racist. He separated light from dark.

You've probably heard this one before, but screw it.

What's the difference between Jesus Christ and the kid I just killed?

Jesus Christ probably died a virgin.

Why did the emo kid hate the nun? (Cuz nun of them were emo.)

What's the difference between McDonald's and a priest?

nothing... they both stick their meat in ten-year-old buns.

Why is Stephen Hawking going to hell?

Because it’s a stairway to heaven, not a ramp.

Wanted to get the scoop on history of ice cream, so I went to Sunday school.

Have you heard of the new sequel to "The Exorcist"?

A woman hires the devil to get a priest out of her son.

Why doesn't Jesus buy beer?

Hebrews.

What's the similarity between Catholic Priests and McDonalds? They both like sticking their meat in 6-year-old buns.

What’s the difference between you and Jesus? We know who Jesus’s dad was.

Why aren't there any closets in southern churches? Closets have coat hangers.

Orphans go to church to call someone father.

My sisters ask me, "Are you really a virgin?" I say, "That's nun of your business!"

Did Jesus die a virgin?

Of course not! He got nailed before he died.

What's the difference between baby Jesus and the baby I keep in my basement?

Baby Jesus died a virgin.