Religion jokes

Jesus told me if I believed I would live for eternity. I believed, but at 97 I died...

I think Jesus is broken.

Me: Mom, if Adam and Eve are white, then how were slaves made?

Mom: Well, Eve and the monkey fucked each other.

Me: Oh, okay.

Goes to school.

Teacher: How were humans made?

Me: Eve fucked the monkeys.

Teacher: 😑

What has 15 arms, 9 legs, 8 heads, and 12 eyeballs?

A mosque after a missile strike.

Why does an orphan go to church?

So they can call someone "father."

Why is a priest called "father?" It's too weird to call them "daddy."

Kenneth's hairline [is] friends with Moses.

Even your mother can never fix your hairline, just God.

Guys, this is so disrespectful, I love Jesus. I go to church every Tuesday morning to give Jesus a... giffffffft.

So disrespectful guys. #jesusismyhubby

Should I burn heaven?

Pastor: I don’t normally swear, but tonight I am going to, just for the halibut!

Why Satan didn't stop sending messages to God about hell?

'Cause they made a juice out of him.

God: Why is the teenager so short?

Angel: I don't know.

God: I said, "Strong as a bear!"

Angel: No, you said, "Ass hair."

God: No, I didn't!

What's the difference between Axne and a priest??

One waits till you're 13 to come on your face.

Muslim religion is just pregnant women saying "Allahu Akbar" and exploding a bus.

ISIS is the mark of the beast.

Me: uses the crucifix.

Rush: Ahahahahahahæanananana!

Your hairline is so far back that not even God knows about it.

It’s Christmas. Merry Christmin. Merry Chrirismas. Merry Chrisis. Merry Chrsyler.

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work, not aware that her 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "That's my dad outside." Man: "How much did you say the baseball was again?" Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad." Man: "How much did you say the glove was again?" Boy: "$750." Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000." The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Do not start that shit again!"

Two nuns in a bath.