Religion jokes
I was making holy water, and my girlfriend walked in, saying, "What are you doing?"
I said, "Making holy water."
She said, "How are you making holy water?"
I'm boiling the hell out of it.
God: Ok, so I created adults. And I created how they are supposed to look from being born to preteen.
Satan: (slides in) I’ll take over for you, pops.
God: I dunno... this is very delicate work. Just one wrong thing can ruin the system.
Satan: Don’t worry your beard off! (Pats his back) I’ll just do the ages from 12 to 18!
God: Hmm... I’m still not- (Gets a call on his phone) Shoot, I got to take this. (Answers call) Don’t touch anything, Lucifer! (Walks away)
Satan:.......(just touches lightly, and alarms start blaring. He squeaks and runs away)
God: (rushes in) WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!?!
God: (tries fixing problems. Only gets alarms off) Fuck me........
God:....(sighs) Fine, it’ll stay. We’ll just call it....puberty.
What does a nun say when you ask too many questions?
"Nunya business!"
God sent a kid to the principal's office for giving a blind kid sunglasses and said, "Don't let the sun damage your eyes!"
What does Jesus do when he gets nervous? He bites his nails.
There are three people on the steps of Heaven. God tells them all he is having a good day and if they make him laugh by telling him how they died, he will let them in.
The first one said, "I just finished a long day of work and I get home, and right as I stepped in, I knew my wife was cheating on me. I searched everywhere and I couldn’t find anybody, so I got a drink and went to the balcony, and then I saw him, hanging off the ledge of the balcony. I kicked his hands, but he wouldn’t fall, so I threw a Refrigerator at him, and I fell with the Refrigerator."
God busted out laughing and let him in.
The next person walked up and God told him the same thing he told the other person. God told him that he didn’t think that he could make him laugh more than the first person. The second guy said, "So get this, I’m a window washer on the 8th floor. I’m washing the windows like normal, and this enraged psychopath walks up and starts kicking my hands, and then he throws a refrigerator at me and I die."
God bursts out laughing so much to where he falls off his chair, and he lets the guy through. The next guy comes up and God tells him the same thing he told the last two people, and he tells him that there is no way that he can make him laugh more than the other two did. So he starts talking. "So get this, I’m in a refrigerator..."
Why don't churches have Wi-Fi?
They can't compete with an invisible force that actually works.
Why do priests appreciate educated children?
They don't spit.
What is different about priests and acne?
Acne waits until you're 13 to cum on your face.
Why can't Heaven and Hell ever be one 2nd paradise?
Heaven always has 5-star reviews.
Muslims don't need weed, they've got the Koran.
You burn that sh*t and you're gonna get stoned.
Why did the orphan go to church?
To hear some "foster" parenting advice.
When God created women, it was an accident. He meant to make a man, but then "WHOA-MAN!!"
Why did Jesus not win any Stanley Cups? Because he was cut from the team because he kept being pinned to the boards.
You're so ugly that every time you look up in the sky, God says, "Sorry, can't help you."
What's a priest's favorite fruit?
Cantaloupe.
What happens when you throw an underage boy between two Catholic priests?
They fight and... You know the rest.
What's a reversed exorcism?
It's when it's the demon who's telling the priest to get out of the child's body.
Your hairline goes so far back that even God said, "I learned about it in my days."
"Pray to God her inside her head. I'm scared of God."