Religion jokes

What do you call a Muslim who drinks, smokes, and fools around with other women?

Turkish.

What do you call an unemployed Rastafarian?

Jah Bless.

What’s the difference between a nun and a hooker?

One kneels for salvation.

The other kneels with salivation.

Q: What's the difference between a nun and a woman in a bathtub?

A: One has hope in her soul and one has soap in her hole.

What’s the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

What do you call a priest meeting his illegal children?

A holy CUMmunion.

Boy goes to Confession.

Boy: "What are you doing, Father?"

Priest: "It's called masturbation, and soon you will be doing it."

Boy: "Why do you say that, Father?"

Priest: "'Cause my hand is getting tired!"

-not my joke

Why do nuns walk in groups?

So one “nun” can keep an eye on the other “nun” just to make sure that she isn’t getting "nun".

My dad died in 9/11. I'll always remember his last words:

Allah hu akbar.

Person: "How many people have you had intercourse with?"

Me: "Nun."

Woman gets pulled over by a cop.

Cop: "Ma'am, have you been drinking?"

Lady: "No, officer."

Cop: "What's that in your cup then, ma'am?"

Lady: "Just water, officer."

Cop: "Looks like wine to me."

Lady: "Oh my god, Jesus did it again!"

Why are most West Virginians going to hell?

Their favorite pastimes (inbreeding and bestiality) are an abomination unto the Lord.

The terrorists lost their landing gear and had to make a crash landing into the closest building because religion.

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?” When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good,” and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Savior?” But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. “JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “very good,” and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!” The Teacher fainted.

If you have an Autistic child, don't worry. Put your trust in God and pray it gets kidnapped.

What's the difference between God and Ron DeSantis?

God does not think he is Ron DeSantis.

Yo mama so fat, she fell off the judgement room and broke the 7 layers of hell.

What do you call a Muslim guy in a bathtub?

A bath bomb 💣

Man: I must confess, Father.

Priest: What are you here to confess?

Man: I hit my wife and blamed her for what happened to our son.

Priest: And what happened to your son?

Man: He said a man raped him.

Priest: When and where did this happen?

Man: A local church. I don't know which one.

Priest: ...By whom?

Man: A priest, he said. He said the priest had black hair and blue eyes, kind of like you.

Priest: ...Shit

Did Jesus die a virgin? No, he got nailed before he died.