Religion jokes

Why did Steven Hawking's snot not go to heaven?

Because there is no ramp to heaven.

I went up to a priest and asked if he participated in NNN. He replied, "How can I, with all these people calling me daddy?"

What's the difference between acne and a priest?

Acne waits until you're a teen to cum on your face.

Me in the middle of the night boiling water.

Me talking to my brother: How do you make holy water?

My brother: How?

Me: You boil the hell out of it.

The only difference between you and Jesus is that Jesus believed in himself.

What does a Catholic Priest and a commercial from the 80s have in common? They both ask people, "Where's the meat?"

So, I don't want anyone taking this the wrong way, people are free to be whatever they feel they are, and that's not anyone else's choice.

BUT!!!!!!

I personally have my own feelings on "churches and christianity". I feel that it is against The God Delusion and is an abomination to anyone who has half a braincell. I know plenty of Christian people, and I respect that! NO, REALLY, I DO. My best friend is a dumbass Christian just like you are, and I respect that's how she feels, and I'm glad that she made her choice. But I don't love it when people promote this stuff, because it is what the morons are tricking everyone into doing/being. Falling into the brainwashed act is NOT something you should ever want to do. As someone who has some intelligence, this is not okay in my sense.

As someone who isn't an Aussie, I note that Idfk what this is: "The people who defended Australia get 2 days, remembrance day and Anzac day + 1 minute of silence." BUT the christianism community gets YEARS IN THIS DUMB WORLD where they are told that they are 'special' and 'normal, like everyone else'. Which is really unfair and in a way, biased. I was only 7 when I recognized this just from being told at school by all the kids in my class that they are either CHRISTIAN or support it.

I know and understand I will get a lot of hate from this, I also don't give a shit, but please remember that it's just my thoughts and opinion. Thank you for reading. :)

A depressed man has been thinking of killing himself, and his friend says, "Find Jesus instead, he'll help you!"

And then the man says, "It's pretty hard to 'get help' from something that doesn't exist."

What gun was used to kill Bin Laden?

An AK-BAR 47.

What's the difference between Christianity and Scientology?

One is accepted as a cult by most people and the other has most people brainwashed.

Why did the priest invent baptism?

To wash their sex toys.

Sexy boy mmmmmmmmm yummyyyyyy!

Are you a Muslim, because you're the bomb?

Do you know how to make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

God made Adam and Eve. Satan made Adam and Steve.

What is a Christian's favorite social networking site?

Faithbook!

I love going to church to get closer to God, but my least favorite part of church has to be touching the priest’s penis.

Why don't the Amish water ski?

The horses would drown.

A priest walks into a bar, immediately orders the kids' menu.

What do you call an atheist bone? -- A blasfemur.