Religion jokes

A man is in purgatory. He says he suddenly was shocked by something, so he died.

The guard at purgatory says: "I can give you one more chance to live!"

He revives the man. The man gets up, but something doesn't feel right... He looks in the mirror to see what's wrong. He closes his eyes and hears something.

Guard: "Welcome back! You found the problem!"

What is Jesus' favorite band?

Nine Inch Nails.

The undertaker's famous saying is "Rest In Peace" to all of his opponents, but really they don't rest in peace. The only peace they get is from God.

What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination? HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!

What’s better than Ted Danson? Ted singing and Danson!

What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business!

What does a baby computer call his father? Data!

What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!

Why did the golfer change his pants? Because he got a hole in one!

Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is.”

One night when I was six, I had this super annoying accent, and when I said the number "six," Oh no... One night my Catholic priest asked me how many cookies I needed for my family. I told him six, but thanks to my accent being mixed with many others including Scottish, French, and Russian, it sounded like I said "I need to have sex." He looked at me strange then pulled me into a closet, being a pedo.

When Momma asked me why I was missing for 6 hours, I told her, "I went to get the cookies like you told me to, and father raped the Christianity out of me." The angry look she gave my father was amazing. Then with my Papa, she beat the hell outta him.

Serves him right.

Why did the child cross the road?

To get to the church.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

The Priest... Let's go to my office, because I'm totally not a pedophile.

A man who desperately wanted to be good after serving time in prison was visited by an Angel. "You want to change? You can still enter heaven on two conditions. You must bet on the horses with any money you have and pass your winnings to someone less fortunate, and you must never hold on to any beef." The Angel then disappeared.

The man did as was told and became generous and kind. As he emerged from the betting office with all his money, he would pass every penny of it all to a deserving person each and every time.

He, however, couldn't seem to avoid meat and would still eat it no matter what.

When he died, the Angel came back for him.

"But I'm undeserving; I can't come with you," he said.

"Yes, you can," replied the Angel, "you gave all your stake (steak) away."

A girl walks into the church and confesses.

Girl: "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

Priest: "How have you sinned, may I ask?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call a man a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "He held my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (He holds the girl's hand.)

Girl: "Yes, Father."

Priest: "That does not explain why you called a man a bitch."

Girl: "He started taking off my clothes."

Priest: "Like this?" (He takes off the girl's clothes.)

Girl: "Yes, Father."

Priest: "That also doesn't explain why you called the man a bitch."

Girl: "Then he took off his clothes and put his you know what into my you know what."

Priest: "Like this?" (He puts his you know what into her you know what.)

Girl: "Yes, Father! Yes, Father!"

Priest: "Then what?"

Girl: "Then he got up and left me naked."

Priest: "That son of a bitch!"

Yo mama is so ugly, she makes the devil read the Bible.

I recently learned that churches won’t let trans men become priests because they don’t consider trans men as men, which is rather confusing to me.

As a Jew, I don’t know very much about Christianity, but from what I’ve heard, don’t priests love little boys?

Why did the priest want to learn how to play the organ?

He wanted to be able to finger A minor.

God creates a mosquito :)

God: Okay, so make it reeeeally tiny. Like less than half a fly.

Angel: okay... a bug.

God: now give it’s face a sword, but it has a hole so it’s basically a mouth.

Angel: weird... but okay...

God: and give it wings.

Angel: eh, not half bad Go-

God: NOW MAKE IT EAT THE BLOOD OF ALL LIVING ANIMALS AND HUMANS

Angel: *shook* o-okay

God: okay. Now make sure whenever a human is bit it feels the pain of a million suns burning it, making it scratch until it bleeds out.

Angel: .-.

God: and make sure it also transfers diseases through the species. Give ‘em a taste ‘o that! *evil grin*

Angel: *cries*

Angel: *whispers; I’m so sorry..*

When you want to commit suicide, just say "Allahu Akbar," there will definitely be a blast.

POV: When the orphan kid goes to church and they have to swear on something.

The kid: "I swear on my... friends. Oh wait, I don't have any."

My priest asked if anyone had any questions or anything interesting they wanted to say.

So I raised my hand, he said why don’t you tell everyone what you have to say.

In front of the whole church I said I did not know Jesus Christ was the first scarecrow.

Chuck Norris met God once. Now God is the puny human.

Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage.

Lettuce pray.

How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to light up the room with space lasers so the other can see, and one to screw it in.

What's the definition of suspicious?...

A nun doing sit-ups in a cucumber field. 💀

Where do terrorists go for a drink?

At the Allahu-ak Bar.