Religion jokes

Two nuns walk into a liquor store, and one asked the clerk for the biggest bottle of Irish whisky he had.

The clerk replied, "Heck no sister, you nuns aren't supposed to drink that stuff!" The nun said, "Well my son, it is not for us, you see, it is for Mother Teresa," then the nun whispers, "She has the constipation."

The clerk said, "Oh, in that case, it's on the house. Here's the biggest jug we have." The nuns thank him, bless him, and leave. A few hours later, as the clerk is leaving, he sees the same two sisters in the parking lot, rolling around and drinking the Irish whiskey. Appalled, he goes over to them and says, "You ladies lied to me! You told me it was for Mother Teresa for her constipation!"

One of the nuns takes another swig, looks up at him and says "You wanna know something buddy? She sure will shit when she sees us!"

Wanna hear a joke?

Jesus being real.

What do you get when you cross a priest with a toilet?

Holy shit.

What is white, black, and red and can't fit through a revolving door?

A nun with a spear through her head!

How can you tell the difference between a Christian priest and a zit?

One waits until you're twelve to come on your face.

Mom, what happens if you swear at a church?

Well, honey, a tee posing nun with glowing red eyes and nunchucks will beat you.

God's consciousness: Art.

God's unconsciousness: Christianity.

Why did the child die? To see God, our father.

A boy named Jimmy was riding to Hell to save his brothers and sister. That is the last place he pissed. There came across the Devil.

Part 1

There is no god. None, not one.

Guys, we gotta stop telling these jokes. They are getting out of h- oh wait no .... Continue.

Yo daddy so stupid, he threw a Father’s Day party at the orphanage.

What did the Catholic priest say to the other Catholic priest as they entered the orphanage? Let’s us prey.

What did the 3-year-old boy say to the priest?

"My bum hurts."

In the Bible, it says Jesus died for our sins, but he came back to life, so what did he sacrifice?

Was it a weekend to wash away our sins?

The orphans all died!!!

Oh wait, no one cares...

Their parents are all dead anyway. We are just making them happier. They get to join their parents in hell.

Why was Jesus Christ cut from the hockey team?

He kept getting nailed to the boards.

Who gave Jesus his birthday presents every year?

Santa Claus!

How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

What's the difference between Jesus and a gay person?

One created the rainbow, the other one ruined it.

(Yes, I know God created the rainbow, not Jesus.)

My name is Jamar and I come from afar, ALLAHU AKBAR!

Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.