Religion jokes
So Jesus has been nailed to the cross.
On the first day, he starts to moan, "Peter, Peter!"
Well, Peter hears Jesus moaning and feels it is important, so begins to go up the hill. On his way, he is met by some Roman soldiers and they proceed to beat his ass back down the hill.
On the second day, Peter hears Jesus moaning again, "Peter, Peter!"
Peter thinks to himself, this is important. He heads up the hill, fights past the first line, but gets a beatdown by the second group and back down the hill he goes.
On the third day, Peter is woken up by Jesus sounding very weak, but calling out, "Peter, Peter!"
Peter feels that whatever it is that Jesus needs him for must be very important. Peter heads up the hill, he is on a mission. He manages to fight his way thru three sets of Roman guards and make his way to the cross Jesus has been nailed to for three days. He looks up to Jesus and says, "Jesus, I have heard your calls, what is so important?"
Jesus- "Peter, I can see your house from here!"
When Ariana Grande walked into the church, she said, "GOD IS A WOMAN!"
The Virgin Mary wasn't a virgin; she was a prostitute. God raped her.
Why do people think Jesus is going to come back? He wasn’t nailed to a fucking boomerang!
A 23 year old priest walks into a high school with an automatic weapon. He tells those who believe in God to stand up and leave.
To the children who don't leave, he says, "Do not worry my children, I shall make thou 'hole-y' as well."
He then proceeds to shoot all of the students left.
Dear explain bear, so please don’t say anything rude please, but what do you think about Christianity. I do not mean to ask questions
Do you want to be in Heaven with Jesus, our savior, or be on Earth with bad things?
Jesus walks into a motel, throws 3 nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for a night?"
What is Satan's way to go to places? A helicopter.
Scientists make skyscrapers and airplanes.
Religion crashes them.
The reason why God and Jesus have eternal life and the power, aka (holy spirit) is to control us, take our free will, and our eternal life, which is our heaven. Our time!
Just to show up, in the nick of time for the second coming in full costume ready to judge us. Them spending a lifetime preparing their big speech, their excuse of them hiding this whole time.
Lol, Surprise!
Joke being on them.
As we all stand there and are there to judge them, doing what they said they were made for.
Taking our eternal life back from Satan and the Devil and sending them to their home they created themselves!
HELL!
P.S. With a little extra punishments!
What do gay guys and priests have in common?
They are both gay in their own ways.
Need an arch? I Noah guy.
So, a guy is evading the draft. The cops bang on his door, and he runs out the back, through an alleyway onto a road. He finds a nun and asks if he can hide under her blouse. She complies, and the cops walk by and don't see them. The man comes back up from under the nun's blouse and says, "Hey man, you've got a pair of balls!" The nun says, "I didn't wanna be drafted either..."
Premise 1: IF God exists, he exists.
Premise 2: If God exists, he exists.
Premise 3: IF God exists, he definitely exists.
Conclusion: Therefore he exists.
Why did the priest want to learn how to play the organ?
He wanted to be able to finger A minor.
How does Moses make his cup of tea?
He brews it.
Why are Egyptian gods orphans?
Because Egypt needs to sell Anubis (a new bus) every year to make a prophet.
What do you call a Muslim bee?
Habibee.
My grandma walked up on my doorstep and I grabbed my bible... I thought she was a smurf...
God is good. God is great.