Religion jokes

On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.

Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:

"Do you know what arthritis is?"

The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:

"It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess, consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly lost women, prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges, and other things I dare not say."

The drunk widened his eyes, shut up, and continued reading the newspaper.

A little later the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk, tried to soften:

"How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis! It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."

What do you call a priest that is a furry?

A Catholic.

Why did the Polish Roman Catholic priest remove zippers from the pants of gay men in the LGBT community?

Because he lost his key to his house and he was desperate to get back inside of his house and he thought that one of keys to their zippers would be able to unlock the door of his house.

What's black and white, black and white, black and white, black and white...? A dead nun rolling down a hill.

What do you call a cross between a priest and a child?

The cross shoved up the priest’s ass as he ‘downward dogs’ the kid.

Bob: Siri, call 666!

*dialing noises*

Bob: Hello?

Bob's dad: Hi!

Q: Why did the islamic chicken cross the road?

A: To get to the airport.

What did the orphans do when the bombs drop?

They said, "Allahu Akbar."

What do you call a priest who became a singer?

Michael Jackson.

Did Jesus die virgin? Nope, he got nailed before he died.

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile.

It took Jesus 3 days to respond.

Worst lag ever!

Stephen Hawking said God isn’t real, and the Priest put a boot on his tire. 😂😂😂

When Stephen Hawking entered Heaven and met with the Lord, after a short interview God asked: "Hey Stephen, I need you to explain to me how does all this stuff work?"

Three nuns went up to Mother Teresa and said, "Mother Teresa, we would not like to be nuns anymore." Mother Teresa said, "Okay, but first you have to do something unholy." So they leave and come back three days later. The first one says, "Mother Teresa, I did something unholy. I took a little kid's bike." Mother Teresa says, "Okay, drink from the holy water and you are free to go." The second nun walks up, upset, "I did something worse than her. I slept with a married man." The last nun walks up and says, "I did something worse than all of them." Mother Teresa says, "Oh god, oh gosh, what is it?" And the third nun says, "I peed in the holy water."

Two nuns were sitting on a bench. A flasher flashed them, and one of the nuns had a stroke... but the other one was too far away :)

Jesus has died on the cross to take away our sins. He has all power, but he won’t abuse it. He will help us through tough times. Have you ever felt that feeling in you that something is a bad idea? That’s Jesus. He is the savior and never let anyone say different.

Our Lord will watch us. We will go to Heaven, the promised land, only as long as we believe he’s real and always here. Don’t let anyone speak less and make you disbelieve in our Lord. This is your choice: believe and go to Heaven, or don’t believe and go to Hell, an eternal death. Make a choice.

Yo, your hairline so messed up God said your hairline on the cross getting hit on that cross.

If a Muslim loses his Faith... Does he throw in the Towel?

Your mama is so old, her first Christmas, she was a Wiseman's +1.