Who gave Jesus his birthday presents every year?
Santa Claus!
Religion Jokes
A man goes into Heaven and there he meets Jesus. He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says, "That is Mother Teresa’s clock, it has never moved because she has never lied."
"There is Abraham Lincoln's clock. He has lied twice so it has moved twice."
"Where is Donald Trump’s?" asks the man. Jesus answers, "It is in my office, I am using it as a ceiling fan."
What is the difference between the assassination of César and the assassination of Jesus?
They were both killed by Romans.
What was Jesus scared of the most?
Snails.
What was Jesus's favorite food?
Answer: Snails
Did Jesus cut his nails?
No! His nails cut through him.
How did Jesus kill himself?
He fell from his bike.
How many times did he die?
Once on a bike and once when he fell from a cloud in Heaven.
How do gay guys finish prayer?
“GAYMEN!”
This 15-year-old girl wanted a cross on her room with a long nail on the end over her bed. Unfortunately, it killed her dad because it fell off the wall.
(Do you get the joke?)
(Her dad was on her, and it fell and killed him.)
If orphans aren’t religious, they really have no father. 😂
Jesus is a rock music fan.
Because he likes Nine Inch Nails.
If Tim goes to heaven and Tom goes to hell, where does Tam go?
Up your ass.
When a military person dies, we shoot all night. When a drunkard dies, we drink all night. When a Christian dies, we pray all night. What if a prostitute dies? What should we do? Please tell me.
You would think catholic churches would be in favor of condoms: less DNA evidence.
My mom told me drugs are my enemies... but Jesus said to love your enemies.
God- make a grumpy old man president.
Angel- why?
G- cause I said so-name him Trump.
A- okay.
G- make him not pay taxes.
A- okay...
Fast forward to 2020
G- you know that grumpy old man?
A- yea...
G- make him create a deadly virus named after a beer.
A- Krona.
G- exactly.
A- why do you hate humans so much?
G- because I can.
God: Why is the teenager so short?
Angel: I don't know.
God: I said, "Strong as a bear!"
Angel: No, you said, "Ass hair."
God: No, I didn't!
If you believe in Allah, you will go straight to heaven, Mashallah! 😍
You ever hear of a reverse exorcism?
It's where the devil tells the priest to get out of the child.
You know how in the movie, "Nightmare Before Christmas," they say they're making Christmas?
I thought Mary and Joseph did, but okay.
