The Bible said, "Adam and Eve..." So I did both.
Religion Jokes
And the children of Israel wandered round the desert for 40 years, until eventually Moses' wife said, "Are you going to ask for directions, or what?"
Roses are red, Violets are blue, God made me pretty, WHAT THE FRICK HAPPENED TO YOU?
Why did Saturn have rings?
Because God liked it so he put a ring on it.
What's the difference between Jesus and a hooker?
The face you make when you nail them.
Priest
Why do I call my priest daddy?
Because he raped my mom when she was 13. She's 27 now.
So, a guy is evading the draft. The cops bang on his door, and he runs out the back, through an alleyway onto a road. He finds a nun and asks if he can hide under her blouse. She complies, and the cops walk by and don't see them. The man comes back up from under the nun's blouse and says, "Hey man, you've got a pair of balls!" The nun says, "I didn't wanna be drafted either..."
What's the difference between a drill and a priest?
Nothing, they both like screwing stuff!
How does a Muslim close a door? He islams it.
What’s the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him?
It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
When you're in the war and you die and say to God, "Where is the gulag?"
What’s the difference between Jesus and Maddie McCann?
One had the last supper.
Why do orphans like going to church?
Because they actually get to say "father" for once.
When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead, I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
Which company likes Jesus the most?
IHS Markit!
You are family.
When you go to the priest's basement, you will always find the pope's body and his children in the corner of the room.
What do you call a fat woman that prays?
A holy cow.
"F***, Jesus ate his stinky ass."
