Relationship jokes

My gf told me she was pregnant, so I punched her in the stomach.

She asked me why the hell I did that. I told her I wanted to let her know I’m pro abortion.

What’s the best part about having sex with 28 year olds?

There are 20 of them.

If your blind girlfriend says you have a big cock, she's probably just pulling your leg.

Hoes be like, "I've been through a lot."

No, a lot's been through you.

What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?

There are twenty of them.

Fancy playing rodeo sex?

"OK then," she said!

Then put your dick in her ass and say it’s not as tight as your sister’s ass and hold on for dear life... real life cow bow boy shit!

Principal: You're being bad. I'm gonna need to call your parents!

Orphan: *sits there sadly*

Everyone says Kenny has an easy life.

I disagree. I hear his mom likes complicated sex positions.

A woman walks into a dentist's office, sits on the counter, and spreads her legs.

The dentist says, "I think you have the wrong idea with that." The woman replies, "Last week you gave my husband his false teeth; now you can get them out."

One day, two friends found a treasure map. So they decided to try to find the treasure.

After several hours they found the treasure. It was a suit that gives the person wearing it super strength. One of the friends wore the suit and hugged the other friend. They were both red.

Blood is red.

Bruises are blue. I forget the rest... um, I hate you...?

My son said he burnt food on accident, so I told him he was an accident.

Ex-Boyfriend: You have no ass, so we're through!

Me: Stop being a dickhead, dude!! It ain't gonna make your little sausage any bigger!

How do men like their women? Striped.

How does a priest like their children? Clean.

Why are most orphans strippers? They want to call someone mommy or daddy.

What is the difference between a stripper and candy? None. But they like it when you take the wrapper off.

Why did Stephen Hawking and his wife stop playing hide and seek? She kept using a metal detector.

What did the drunk woman say to the man after leaving the bar?

"Alcohol, you later!"

While I was out shopping, I tripped in a store and a lady would not stop staring at me. For fun, I said, "Sorry! It's been a while since I've possessed a body." She looked horrified.

Dads are like boomerangs... I hope!

Son: Dad, why is my name Experience? Dad: Son, Experience is the name we give our mistakes.

You won't eat a human, so why eat meat? Bold of you to presume I won't eat a person.

My crush: OMG, my dog just died!😭😭😭😭😭

Me: Oh my goodness, I am so sorry. I am here for you!

My crush: I have a boyfriend...🙄

Me: Yeah well, I have a dog.

Why did Shawn suddenly fly to Mount Everest, leaving behind friends, family, and food?

Someone told him that "Shelby"'s coming 'round the mountain.

Say "I'm a man" after every sentence.

You walk into a bar. (I'm a man.) You find a girl. (I'm a man.) You take her home. (I'm a man.) She whispers in your ear. (I'm a man.)