Relationship jokes
Uh, uh, fuck me, daddy!
Why do gay men want to eat each other's meat because meat is meat, and man has to eat meat?
Your dad is gone.
Random couple after their first night:
Husband: It was very tasty. 🥵
Wife: Aww, thanks.
Husband: Does anyone had taste it before?
Wife: ☠️
Part 2: He walks up to a stake and nails himself there. Then he finds the knife and says to someone to find a cake to celebrate his death, but everybody came. That was the sign that nobody loved him, and that's how you know if people love you.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
When you're watching "Gnomeo and Juliet 2" and your dad walks in on the gnome shaking his butt.
Knock, knock!
"Is that daddy?"
No, but I'm about to be, so get on your knees!
It's gonna take a step stool to get a blow job.
Roses are red,
Potatoes are brown,
Your mom's so hot,
I put her down.
It's sad when the person that gave you memories becomes a memory.
You know one of the worst feelings ever to exist?
When your parents and friends all still see the happy little kid you used to be...
...but in reality, that kid has been long gone for years. (not my words)
A guy goes into the gas station and says, "I need a box of rubbers with pesticide."
The cashier said, "Pesticide? Don't you mean spermicide?"
The guy says, "No! My old lady has had a bug up her ass all week, and I am going to kill it."
I was at the park the other day and sat down on the bench next to a mum and her daughter, and she asked which one was my kid, and I said I haven't decided yet.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you haven't told her twice.
Me: punching a kid.
My FBI agent: You're adopted.
Friend: How dark is your humor?
Me: .....it...
Friend: No
Me: *smiles* GETS BEAT BY THE MISTRESS AND GETS SCOLDED BY THE MASTER!!!
Friend: Why are you like this?
If boys are like sports because they are easy to play, then girls are like a sandwich. They are nice at first, but they're crusty after.
My Mrs is going to hit the roof when she realizes I've replaced the bed with a trampoline!
Roses are red, Violets are fine, You can be the six, And I can be the nine.
I remember when I was at a funeral at the age of 6. I was with my grandma and asked, "Grandma, Grandma, why is that man in a box?"
And she says, "He's in a better place now." I look at her confused and ask, "What kind of box did he live in before?! How is this box better than the last one?! It's just a box!"
And to this day I am still not allowed to go to funerals.