Relationship jokes

Blood is red.

Bruises are blue. I forget the rest... um, I hate you...?

Fancy playing rodeo sex?

"OK then," she said!

Then put your dick in her ass and say it’s not as tight as your sister’s ass and hold on for dear life... real life cow bow boy shit!

What’s the best part about having sex with 28 year olds?

There are 20 of them.

What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?

There are twenty of them.

If your blind girlfriend says you have a big cock, she's probably just pulling your leg.

Hoes be like, "I've been through a lot."

No, a lot's been through you.

My gf told me she was pregnant, so I punched her in the stomach.

She asked me why the hell I did that. I told her I wanted to let her know I’m pro abortion.

Ex-Boyfriend: You have no ass, so we're through!

Me: Stop being a dickhead, dude!! It ain't gonna make your little sausage any bigger!

Everyone says Kenny has an easy life.

I disagree. I hear his mom likes complicated sex positions.

My son said he burnt food on accident, so I told him he was an accident.

One day, two friends found a treasure map. So they decided to try to find the treasure.

After several hours they found the treasure. It was a suit that gives the person wearing it super strength. One of the friends wore the suit and hugged the other friend. They were both red.

Principal: You're being bad. I'm gonna need to call your parents!

Orphan: *sits there sadly*

What did the drunk woman say to the man after leaving the bar?

"Alcohol, you later!"

Why did Stephen Hawking and his wife stop playing hide and seek? She kept using a metal detector.

I wanted to fuck my mom, but she replied, "My pussy only belongs to your dad." That's why I had to fuck her in the a$$!

Recently, I've found out my wife has been cheating on me for the past 3 weeks with a baker downtown in Manhattan, New York, thinking I wouldn't find out. Irony of it all, she received a yeast infection.

Why did Shawn suddenly fly to Mount Everest, leaving behind friends, family, and food?

Someone told him that "Shelby"'s coming 'round the mountain.

My crush: OMG, my dog just died!😭😭😭😭😭

Me: Oh my goodness, I am so sorry. I am here for you!

My crush: I have a boyfriend...🙄

Me: Yeah well, I have a dog.

Say "I'm a man" after every sentence.

You walk into a bar. (I'm a man.) You find a girl. (I'm a man.) You take her home. (I'm a man.) She whispers in your ear. (I'm a man.)

What did the gay guy say to his boyfriend before leaving to go on vacation?

"Do you need help packing your shit?"