Relationship jokes

Mom: You will make me kill myself.

Me who has cut first: I'll kill myself ✨first✨!

Why can't an orphan be gay? It has no one to call daddy.

What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe?

Fur Traders.

I have an exam next week, so I called my ex and asked if she had any cheating tips.

Person 1: “Hey, today was great!”

Person 2: “What happened?”

Person 1: “I ran into my ex today.”

Person 2: “What’s so great about that?”

Person 1: “I was in my car.”

I don't like marriage. It's just like soup, as soon as you're done spooning it, it all cools off.

Why did the ocean break up with the pond?

Because the pond was too shallow.

I had a good time with friends!

"Lemme clap your girl's booty cheeks, daddy papi."

What commitment does a pimp make to each new hoe he turns out?

Answer: He will always be there for her after the break-in period.

A nickname to call your short GF:

Little ankle biter Master Yoda Hasbula My little Ewok

Why don’t old people have sex?

When was the last time you tried pulling apart a grilled cheese that old?

What do sex and food have in common?

Grandma makes both better.

Whenever I go to bed, my wife disappears, but whenever I turn on the lights at night, she’s back in bed.

A dad tells his son, "Stop masturbating! If you do it too long, you will go blind."

The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"

My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and left. Right?

A guy went to a bar and said to a friend that he found a girl on the railroads and said they had the best sex ever.

His friend asked, "Did you get any head?"

The guy said, "No, I couldn't find it."

What does a woman and a hurricane have in common?

They’re nice and wet at first, but in the end they take everything.

This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at boobs, and she said, "Press One?"

So I did...

I don't remember much after that.

My wife said I didn’t listen to a single thing she says.

What a weird way to start a conversation!