Relationship jokes

My wife said I had no sense of direction... so I packed my sh*t and left.

Me: Good night, everyone.

My friends and family: Night.

Me: *gets in coffin*

My family: *stares at my friends* You aren't going to do something?!?

My friends: *to my family* Nope, this is normal.

Are you a tree? Cuz I’m trying to hang with you. ;)

My wife made electric eel for supper. I was shocked!

Person 1: “Hey, today was great!”

Person 2: “What happened?”

Person 1: “I ran into my ex today.”

Person 2: “What’s so great about that?”

Person 1: “I was in my car.”

When his dick is really, really small, but you pretend it is so big it hurts so you don’t make him feel bad 'cause he is a nice guy.

My dad and I were fishing one day.

That’s where he met my stepmom.

I would tell a dad joke, but it already left me.

What’s the speed limit in bed?

It’s 68. Once you hit 69, you have to turn back around.

Mom: You will make me kill myself.

Me who has cut first: I'll kill myself ✨first✨!

Ever seen the show Naked and Afraid? That’s what I call hide-and-seek with my uncle.

Yo mama so stupid, she tried to climb Mt. Dew.

Everyone likes orphans but their parents.

Why did the ocean break up with the pond?

Because the pond was too shallow.

I don't like marriage. It's just like soup, as soon as you're done spooning it, it all cools off.

What commitment does a pimp make to each new hoe he turns out?

Answer: He will always be there for her after the break-in period.

"Babe, is it in?" "Yeah." "Does it hurt?" "Uh-huh." "Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts." "Okay, let's try another shoe size."

This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at boobs, and she said, "Press One?"

So I did...

I don't remember much after that.

What’s the difference between your sister and a bowling ball?

I can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball!

A guy went to a bar and said to a friend that he found a girl on the railroads and said they had the best sex ever.

His friend asked, "Did you get any head?"

The guy said, "No, I couldn't find it."