Relationship jokes

A guy went to a bar and said to a friend that he found a girl on the railroads and said they had the best sex ever.

His friend asked, "Did you get any head?"

The guy said, "No, I couldn't find it."

If a man and a woman need a marriage license to get married, does a lesbian couple need a liquor license to get married?

This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at boobs, and she said, "Press One?"

So I did...

I don't remember much after that.

You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.

What’s the difference between a man and a margarita?

A margarita hits the spot every time.

What does a woman and a hurricane have in common?

They’re nice and wet at first, but in the end they take everything.

Trying to find a good parking spot is a lot like trying to find a girlfriend.

If you can’t find one, you stick it in the disabled spot and hope nobody finds out.

Michael Jackson, who's terrified of adult women, once had a girlfriend, but broke it off with her. When she asked him why, he said, "It's not you, it's me-hee-hee."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"Father replied, "I don't know, son. I'm still paying."

Whenever I go to bed, my wife disappears, but whenever I turn on the lights at night, she’s back in bed.

Why don’t old people have sex?

When was the last time you tried pulling apart a grilled cheese that old?

A dad tells his son, "Stop masturbating! If you do it too long, you will go blind."

The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"

What’s the difference between a female farmer and Hitler’s girlfriend?

One bails her hay, and the other heils her bae.

I hate it when a couple has a minor quarrel, and the girlfriend updates her Facebook status to ‘single.’

I mean, I fight with my parents all the time, but I never update my status to ‘orphan.’

I hope you know CPR, because you are taking my breath away!

A nickname to call your short GF:

Little ankle biter Master Yoda Hasbula My little Ewok

My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and left. Right?

What do sex and food have in common?

Grandma makes both better.

What’s the similarities between a pillow and your mom?

They’re both in my bed.

"Babe, is it in?" "Yeah." "Does it hurt?" "Uh-huh." "Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts." "Okay, let's try another shoe size."