Relationship jokes

My wife said I didn’t listen to a single thing she says.

What a weird way to start a conversation!

What does a woman and a hurricane have in common?

They’re nice and wet at first, but in the end they take everything.

How do you get a black girl to suck your meat?

Put barbecue sauce on it.

I saw my wife at the dam yesterday, which sucks because I wanted her to flow further down.

You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.

A guy went to a bar and said to a friend that he found a girl on the railroads and said they had the best sex ever.

His friend asked, "Did you get any head?"

The guy said, "No, I couldn't find it."

Michael Jackson, who's terrified of adult women, once had a girlfriend, but broke it off with her. When she asked him why, he said, "It's not you, it's me-hee-hee."

Who cooks in a lesbian relationship?

Neither one of them, they eat out.

A nickname to call your short GF:

Little ankle biter Master Yoda Hasbula My little Ewok

My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and left. Right?

What do sex and food have in common?

Grandma makes both better.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"Father replied, "I don't know, son. I'm still paying."

Roses are red, Violets are fine, You can be the six, And I can be the nine.

So, a man finds a woman on a train track while he's on his way to a bar, and they had a lot of sex.

When he gets to the bar, he brags about the different sex positions they used, and one of the guys says, "Oh, did you do head?"

He responded with, "No, I couldn't find the head."

Know what a 6.9 is?

Another good thing screwed up by a period.

What’s the difference between a female farmer and Hitler’s girlfriend?

One bails her hay, and the other heils her bae.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high, grabbed her thigh, and said, "You know you wanna." Jill said yes and pulled up her dress, and then they had some fun, but silly Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a daughter.

Haha, I fucked you over!

You call your dad the sun because he is 90 million miles away.

My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal.

I wanted to tell him, "Well, can we get what we both want?" I was already planning on dying anyway.

What do a blind person and an orphan have in common?

They both cannot see their family.