Relationship jokes

I think my butt looks flat, but my boyfriend seems to think the opposite. I told him to be deadass with me.

When I was walking home, a couple of married guys were saying, "Your mom is good at her job," but I realized my mom doesn't work.

So I ask my mom, "Why are these guys saying you're good at your job? You don't work." My mom said, "Yeah, I got a new job." So I said, "What do you do?" My mom said, "Job hand, no, I mean it's called a hand job."

"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Your mother." "Duh!"

When I died, my friend said he'd cover me.

Your mom and dad are never coming back because dad is cumming for another kid.

Man, I don’t need Viagra when I see Mara!

I said to my wife that she's so ugly that she threw a boomerang and it never came back.

My brothers kept annoying me.

I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.

It was an empty threat—right after I was done.

Who likes penis?

My cousin!

You and Jason in your bed.

Husband: Honey, do you want sex?

Wife: No, thanks, I have a headache.

Husband: Is that your final answer?

Wife: Mmmmm.

Husband: Are you sure?

Wife: Yes.

Husband: No doubts?

Wife: No.

Husband staring a long time at his wife.

Husband: Okay, I wanna use my lifeline to call a friend.

How did Peter Cottontail get his swing on? He made love to Alice in Wonderland.

At least someone who is gay/Carter has someone.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

My boyfriend dumped me. Guess who came back crawling for his zimmer frame?

Last night I had sex and she said, "Stop talking about s***, OMG!" and I made her scream so loud she said, "Her balls hurt!"

Do you like soccer? My favorite player is Ronaldo, but we can still get Messi.

My uncle hid my weed, so I hid his wheelchair.

You like kissing boys, don't you?

What happened when a kid bullied an orphan?

The orphan said, "I’m going to tell my mom!"

Bully: "I wanna see your mom!"

Narrator: At that moment, he knew he messed up.

This was my friend's joke he wanted me to post;)