My woman is a nine on a bad day, but she’ll be 10 on her birthday.
A guy went to a bar and said to a friend that he found a girl on the railroads and said they had the best sex ever.
His friend asked, "Did you get any head?"
The guy said, "No, I couldn't find it."
A nickname to call your short GF:
Little ankle biter Master Yoda Hasbula My little Ewok
I asked my Dad the other day, "At what age is it okay to have sex with girls?"
He replied, "When they leave school, son, they are legal."
Apparently, 3:15 p.m. is not what he meant.
My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.
I’m not too worried—I think she’s jokingdkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf.
My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal.
I wanted to tell him, "Well, can we get what we both want?" I was already planning on dying anyway.
What do a blind person and an orphan have in common?
They both cannot see their family.
Know what a 6.9 is?
Another good thing screwed up by a period.
Why did the emo break up with her boyfriend?
He didn't wanna hang out.
They say they'll stay, but I left first.
My wife said I had no sense of direction... so I packed my sh*t and left.
Yo mama is so ugly that your dad has to be drunk to bring her home.
Treat me like a joke, and I will leave you like it's funny.
For some reason, when my mom eats hot dogs, she likes to lick and suck on it first. As a son, can anyone tell me why?
Me: Good night, everyone.
My friends and family: Night.
Me: *gets in coffin*
My family: *stares at my friends* You aren't going to do something?!?
My friends: *to my family* Nope, this is normal.
Bestfriend @3am: I love you.
Me: Love you too.
*wait whatttttttttttttttttttt*
I don't know if this is funny.
My wife made electric eel for supper. I was shocked!
This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.
I was staring at boobs, and she said, "Press One?"
So I did...
I don't remember much after that.
BF: Babe, I have two questions.
GF: Ok, ask!
BF: Where have you been all my life?
GF: Aww, that's so sweet. And the second question?
BF: Can you please go back there?
Knock, knock.
"Who's there?"
Not your dad.
