Relationship jokes

How do you know when your girlfriend is too young?

You have to make airplane noises to get her to open her mouth.

Sorry.

Mom said dad had the best pullout game... now I'm an uncle.

There was a boy named Sammy, and he was deeply in love with a girl named Rayne. But she didn’t notice him or talk to him. But one day, she did, and they end up liking each other and getting married and lived happil- wait no, that’s not right. Sammy snuck in Rayne’s house at night and kidnapped her, locked her in his basement, and turned her into a puppet so she'd be with him forever and ever. The End.

Here's how to piss off all of North America.

All the United States is, is South Canadia.

I will never forget my girlfriend's last words... "Get off of me! STOP!" *slurp*... Dead.

When I was a kid, I used to read a lot. I mainly grew up reading stories by Shakespeare, especially the story Romeo & Juliet. That one in particular taught me a valuable life lesson. It taught me to not be surprised when my girlfriend killed herself.

A man comes home and finds his wife in bed with another guy. "What's going on here!?" he exclaims.

The wife replies, "See, I told you he was stupid."

Are you a tree? Cuz I’m trying to hang with you. ;)

Bestfriend @3am: I love you.

Me: Love you too.

*wait whatttttttttttttttttttt*

I don't know if this is funny.

Knock, knock.

"Who's there?"

Not your dad.

A: Why are you so sad?

B: I was watching porn, and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.

A: Ok, I see, but is that really such a big deal?

B: I mean, she opened the door in the movie!

My wife made electric eel for supper. I was shocked!

Guys, help! I need advice to confess to my crush. I'm being for real right now, guys, help!

Me: Good night, everyone.

My friends and family: Night.

Me: *gets in coffin*

My family: *stares at my friends* You aren't going to do something?!?

My friends: *to my family* Nope, this is normal.

For some reason, when my mom eats hot dogs, she likes to lick and suck on it first. As a son, can anyone tell me why?

Yo mama is so ugly that your dad has to be drunk to bring her home.

My wife said I had no sense of direction... so I packed my sh*t and left.

Treat me like a joke, and I will leave you like it's funny.

What’s the speed limit in bed?

It’s 68. Once you hit 69, you have to turn back around.

My dad and I were fishing one day.

That’s where he met my stepmom.