Relationship jokes

My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal.

I wanted to tell him, "Well, can we get what we both want?" I was already planning on dying anyway.

What do a blind person and an orphan have in common?

They both cannot see their family.

You call your dad the sun because he is 90 million miles away.

Guy: Whose place? Mine or yours?

Girl: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Roses are red, balls are round, skirts are up, panties are down, belly to belly, skin to skin, when it's stiff, stick it in.

They say they'll stay, but I left first.

Roses are red, Violets are fine, You can be the six, And I can be the nine.

So, a man finds a woman on a train track while he's on his way to a bar, and they had a lot of sex.

When he gets to the bar, he brags about the different sex positions they used, and one of the guys says, "Oh, did you do head?"

He responded with, "No, I couldn't find the head."

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high, grabbed her thigh, and said, "You know you wanna." Jill said yes and pulled up her dress, and then they had some fun, but silly Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a daughter.

Haha, I fucked you over!

My (at the time) boyfriend told our chemistry teacher that blood is corrosive to steel.

Anyways, my sharpener isn’t working because the blade has been too badly damaged from something else...

I saw my wife at the dam yesterday, which sucks because I wanted her to flow further down.

How do you get a black girl to suck your meat?

Put barbecue sauce on it.

Who cooks in a lesbian relationship?

Neither one of them, they eat out.

What’s the difference between your sister and a bowling ball?

I can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball!

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

Me: Good night, everyone.

My friends and family: Night.

Me: *gets in coffin*

My family: *stares at my friends* You aren't going to do something?!?

My friends: *to my family* Nope, this is normal.

Know what a 6.9 is?

Another good thing screwed up by a period.

Yo mama is so ugly that your dad has to be drunk to bring her home.

For some reason, when my mom eats hot dogs, she likes to lick and suck on it first. As a son, can anyone tell me why?

Treat me like a joke, and I will leave you like it's funny.