Relationship jokes

I saw my wife at the dam yesterday, which sucks because I wanted her to flow further down.

You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.

Why don’t old people have sex?

When was the last time you tried pulling apart a grilled cheese that old?

A nickname to call your short GF:

Little ankle biter Master Yoda Hasbula My little Ewok

What's the difference between sex and mental illness?

Most of Reddit has experienced mental illness.

What’s the difference between a female farmer and Hitler’s girlfriend?

One bails her hay, and the other heils her bae.

I hope you know CPR, because you are taking my breath away!

I hate it when a couple has a minor quarrel, and the girlfriend updates her Facebook status to ‘single.’

I mean, I fight with my parents all the time, but I never update my status to ‘orphan.’

Guy: Whose place? Mine or yours?

Girl: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

I asked my Dad the other day, "At what age is it okay to have sex with girls?"

He replied, "When they leave school, son, they are legal."

Apparently, 3:15 p.m. is not what he meant.

You call your dad the sun because he is 90 million miles away.

Know what a 6.9 is?

Another good thing screwed up by a period.

My (at the time) boyfriend told our chemistry teacher that blood is corrosive to steel.

Anyways, my sharpener isn’t working because the blade has been too badly damaged from something else...

I rate you 9 out of 10, because I'm the 1 you need.

My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal.

I wanted to tell him, "Well, can we get what we both want?" I was already planning on dying anyway.

"Lemme clap your girl's booty cheeks, daddy papi."

I had a good time with friends!

Whenever I go to bed, my wife disappears, but whenever I turn on the lights at night, she’s back in bed.

A dad tells his son, "Stop masturbating! If you do it too long, you will go blind."

The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"

My wife said I didn’t listen to a single thing she says.

What a weird way to start a conversation!