Relationship jokes

Roses are red, balls are round, skirts are up, panties are down, belly to belly, skin to skin, when it's stiff, stick it in.

My (at the time) boyfriend told our chemistry teacher that blood is corrosive to steel.

Anyways, my sharpener isn’t working because the blade has been too badly damaged from something else...

I rate you 9 out of 10, because I'm the 1 you need.

Trying to find a good parking spot is a lot like trying to find a girlfriend.

If you can’t find one, you stick it in the disabled spot and hope nobody finds out.

What’s the difference between your sister and a bowling ball?

I can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball!

What’s the similarities between a pillow and your mom?

They’re both in my bed.

"Babe, is it in?" "Yeah." "Does it hurt?" "Uh-huh." "Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts." "Okay, let's try another shoe size."

A dad tells his son, "Stop masturbating! If you do it too long, you will go blind."

The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"

Why don’t old people have sex?

When was the last time you tried pulling apart a grilled cheese that old?

Whenever I go to bed, my wife disappears, but whenever I turn on the lights at night, she’s back in bed.

I hate it when a couple has a minor quarrel, and the girlfriend updates her Facebook status to ‘single.’

I mean, I fight with my parents all the time, but I never update my status to ‘orphan.’

Guy: Whose place? Mine or yours?

Girl: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

I hope you know CPR, because you are taking my breath away!

"Lemme clap your girl's booty cheeks, daddy papi."

Knock, knock.

"Who's there?"

Not your dad.

A: Why are you so sad?

B: I was watching porn, and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.

A: Ok, I see, but is that really such a big deal?

B: I mean, she opened the door in the movie!

Are you a tree? Cuz I’m trying to hang with you. ;)

Bestfriend @3am: I love you.

Me: Love you too.

*wait whatttttttttttttttttttt*

I don't know if this is funny.

My wife made electric eel for supper. I was shocked!

Guys, help! I need advice to confess to my crush. I'm being for real right now, guys, help!