Relationship jokes

What’s the difference between a female farmer and Hitler’s girlfriend?

One bails her hay, and the other heils her bae.

I hope you know CPR, because you are taking my breath away!

I hate it when a couple has a minor quarrel, and the girlfriend updates her Facebook status to ‘single.’

I mean, I fight with my parents all the time, but I never update my status to ‘orphan.’

What is the difference between a lesbian and a female prostitute?

If you want a female prostitute to be a bitch, you have to give her money first.

Guy: Whose place? Mine or yours?

Girl: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

I asked my Dad the other day, "At what age is it okay to have sex with girls?"

He replied, "When they leave school, son, they are legal."

Apparently, 3:15 p.m. is not what he meant.

You call your dad the sun because he is 90 million miles away.

Know what a 6.9 is?

Another good thing screwed up by a period.

My (at the time) boyfriend told our chemistry teacher that blood is corrosive to steel.

Anyways, my sharpener isn’t working because the blade has been too badly damaged from something else...

I rate you 9 out of 10, because I'm the 1 you need.

My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal.

I wanted to tell him, "Well, can we get what we both want?" I was already planning on dying anyway.

"Lemme clap your girl's booty cheeks, daddy papi."

I had a good time with friends!

Whenever I go to bed, my wife disappears, but whenever I turn on the lights at night, she’s back in bed.

A dad tells his son, "Stop masturbating! If you do it too long, you will go blind."

The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"

What does a woman and a hurricane have in common?

They’re nice and wet at first, but in the end they take everything.

My wife said I didn’t listen to a single thing she says.

What a weird way to start a conversation!

What’s the difference between a man and a margarita?

A margarita hits the spot every time.

Trying to find a good parking spot is a lot like trying to find a girlfriend.

If you can’t find one, you stick it in the disabled spot and hope nobody finds out.

I think my family is racist.

I brought a black girl home, and my wife went crazy and told me to pack my bags, and my kids were upset.