Relationship jokes
What do you call a photo of an orphan who takes a selfie?
A family portrait.
My emo friend tried to hi-five a tree. It left him hanging.
Chris said to me in P.E. that he likes Jacob, and he said he wants to go straight to the bedroom.
Me: "WYD?"
Her: "Just dealing with a lot: depression, anxiety, and the feeling that I'll never be enough."
Me: "Without me? Lol"
I'm Jessica, and I really want to talk to Ashton Parkes.
Mickey: I want a divorce!
Minney: Are you fricking crazy?
Mickey: No, I'm fricking Daisy!
Your mom is so old, she walked into an antique store and they kept her.
Your mom is so dumb, she called me asking for my phone #.
Hi, son.
I asked my phone why I couldn't get a date.
It showed a picture of myself.
I feel wrong. What does this make us?
Still cousins.
I either added you because we have shit tons of mutuals, or 'cause I'd let you spit alcohol in my mouth.
I'll let you decide.
Me: And this is the room I cry in.
Date: You've said that about every room.
Me: Correct!
The Golden State? More like your mum's state...
What's a native chick say after sex?
"Get off me, Dad, you're crushing my smokes!"
There was a kid in my class who said my face looked like a physical reaction (we were learning about that stuff at the time), so I said I made a chemical reaction with his mom last night.
What do you call a person who tries to get you on a dating website... a Brodie.
I was in my car listening to my radio. Steve Winwood's song came on, "Just Roll With It, Baby." I said that must be one of Stephen Hawking's favorite songs; he sings it to his girlfriend.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Sister.
Sister who?
My sister's ass.
Chase cheated on Charlie with Addison Rae.
Your mom gay.