Relationship jokes

My last relationship ended because my ex-girlfriend accused me of being a rapist. I'm not upset. To be honest, I didn't like her anyway. She kept telling me I never listen, or something like that.

Hey, what do you call a beta simp?

You call me the beta simp.

I told a girl she was cute, and she said, "Aw, tysm."

How does she know I have that?

Wife: Honey! Do you like tea?

Husband: No, I like after "T"!

It means: the letter "U": you!

I love you, Tina!

What's the difference between you and Frankenstein?

He is not ugly like you; plus, he has a wife.

So I had an idea: you and a friend go bar (pub (whatever you call it)) hopping and propose to said friend in each one so everyone buys you free drinks and you get drunk and have a great time.

Can't have a smoke with my girl after sex, she's asthmatic.

Plus, she's too young to smoke.

What's the difference between a cheater and your mom?

They both cheated!

I like to make your mom jokes.

Because they're easy like your mom.

A couple enters a Chinese restaurant and takes their seats.

The waiter asks, "想吃什么 (Xiang Chi Shen Ma)?"

The wife responds, "吃鸡巴 (Chi Ji Ba)!"

I was thinking of a good accident joke, and I asked my sister. She said, "you."

My wife and I have made a difficult choice and have decided we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Roses are red. Lemons are sour. Open your legs, so I can devour.

They said I was depressed, I should make an effort to do what I love.

I had to pay a hooker for twelve hours work.

... I felt nothing, but it was nice, being with someone who felt the same.

I'm really bored. Can someone talk with me? None of my friends are responding to me :(

My girlfriend broke up with me because of my pasta fetish. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

A man found a chest full of gold, so he went to go tell his wife, only to remember why he was digging.

Neona: Gwen?

Gwen: Yes... what can I do for you?

Neona: You were so right! Mr. Smith has sexual problems and is a fool! I am so sorry that you were not a liar! PLEASE FORGIVE ME!!!!!

Gwen: You should have listened. Plus I'm over it!

Neona: Are you mad at me?

Gwen: Me? NEVER! Sometimes we listen and don't listen.

Me, (AHAHAHA IM A JOKE AHAH Criii) Anyone wanna date? Lol.