Relationship jokes
*text conversation boy: When you kiss someone, you burn 15 calories. Wanna burn calories together sometime?
girl: Are you saying I'm fat?
What do you call an orphan's family picture? A self-portrait.
Your mum said, "Who did it?" Ya nan!
what did the woman do after meeting up with a rapist?
sue the dating site for matching her with him.
Yo mama so fat, she took both sides of the family.
There was a family, the father's name was Mad, the mother is Brain, the brother's name is Nobody and the sister's name is Everybody.
One day, Nobody killed Everybody, and the father ran to the police's office and screamed, "NOBODY KILLED EVERYBODY!!!!!"
"Sir, are you okay?" The police asked.
"I said, NOBODY KILLED EVERYBODYYYYY!!!!!" The father yelled even louder.
"Are you mad?" The police asked.
"Yes, because my name is Mad!" The father exclaimed.
"Where's your brain?" Asked the police.
"At home because my wife name is Brain," the father said. The police fell down due to the confusion.
I have an Uncle named Ricky, who made ur mom sticky.
His dad calls him pricky and everyone begs for his dicky.
Girl: Dad, where are you?
Dad: I went to go get milk.
Girl: But we have milk.
Dad: I know, I just don't love you.
I’d like to take you to the movies, but unfortunately, they don’t let you bring your own snacks.
What does "A" say to "ss"?
"We are the perfect couple. We make Ass."
What's the similarity between women and car parking spaces? The good ones are always taken, and sometimes when nobody's looking, you slip in the disabled one.
Did you hear about the lesbians who are suing their contractor?
He used nails when they wanted tongue and groove.
My girlfriend left me for spending my own money. I buy this bitch thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of stuff, but I spend 100 dollars on a prostitute, she leaves me.
My Friend Evan: What happens if the voice inside your head is your soulmate?
Me: Then my soulmate is a F_cking A__hole.
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Dad!
Dad who?
Silence.
Why do orphans like to have sex?
So they can finally have someone to call "daddy."
My pathological cheater of a sister wanted to play a board game with me.
I turned her down because I didn't like the Risk involved.
Hey guys, Billy has this weird disability where when he has sex with someone, he says their name really loud.
Billy: Hey guys, I just got back from my DADS!!
Wait, what Billy?
A man walks over to a little boy and asks, "Wanna see my tattoo of a bunny?"
The little boy replies with, "Yes please, I love bunnies!"
The man proceeds to pull his pants down and said, "Can you see it yet?"
The little boy curious says, "No, where is it?"
The man says, "Dig a little deeper, he runs into the hole when he gets scared!"
So, a husband and a wife have three kids. The husband is on his death bed, and he looks up at his wife and says, "Honey, is our youngest son truly and honestly mine?" She says in response, "I swear on everything that is good and holy, our youngest son is yours." He dies peacefully.
Then she says under her breath, "I'm glad he didn't ask about the first two."