Relationship jokes

Hi, father, I failed the class, you mommy!

A friend of mine told me something that I cannot forget, and I am now traumatized to hell. The next day a kid was set for an amber alert that looked exactly like my DEAR friend! :)

When you have an ex, you will notice that the word "ex" is short for "executed," so that's there for yous.

Little Johnny: Dad, why are you rubbing the horse's chest and butt?

Dad: I want to see if it's good enough to buy.

Little Johnny: I think Uncle Joe wants to buy Mom.

It was my cousin's birthday and my mom said what should we get her? I said a rope.

My mom said, "Why did I adopt you?"

I said, "Because the other three were mistakes."

What do you call a not potty trained human?

Amber Heard.

Why can't an orphan have sex?

Because they don't have anyone to call "daddy."

"Mom, these balloons are hard to blow."

"Son, stay out of the drawer."

Haven't had sex since I got out of jail; although sex in jail wasn't that great, either.

One day, someone's ex was going to the kitchen to get something to eat, and her ex-boyfriend was there and gave her an apple. Next minute, she had chlamydia. What did the boyfriend do?

Dad: Son, I came back.

Son: Where is the milk?

Dad: Time for another 10 years.

Why did the Mexican man push his wife off a cliff?

Tequila.

I feel wrong. What does this make us?

Still cousins.

What do you call a photo of an orphan who takes a selfie?

A family portrait.

I asked my phone why I couldn't get a date.

It showed a picture of myself.

Your mum... payed other people to take you!!!!

Me and a girl went on a walk...

Then she noticed me, then we went for a run. :)

Me: I wouldn’t want to be with a shitmate.

Shitmate: You’re so shitable.

Me: Bring banana ice cream.

Shitmate: Never happening.

Your mom is so old, she walked into an antique store and they kept her.

Your mom is so dumb, she called me asking for my phone #.