Relationship jokes

Hey girl, are you a diamond pick?

'Cause I'm as hard as obsidian.

I had sex with my German girlfriend; it was kinda weird though. She kept yelling her age. I don't know why.

So if you say a bear shoots children, and Leah likes Mason Boswells, and I go to Benjamin Adlard year 6.

Me and my wife decided we would only smoke after sex.

I'm still on the first pack. She's up to 2 packs a week.

By the time I ran my wife over with my car, I had to stop for gas twice.

Your mama is so fat. Her high school picture is an aerial photograph.

Your mama is so fat, guys have to bring climbing equipment to have sex with her.

What do you call your mom?

Monkey.

You know, that I see my sister at home from school. She says everyone bullies me. I say, "Because you're a fat a**."

One time I was with my uncle. He said to me to pass him the marble on the floor. All I heard was my butt clapping with his sausage.

Me: I wouldn’t want to be with a shitmate.

Shitmate: You’re so shitable.

Me: Bring banana ice cream.

Shitmate: Never happening.

Did I tell you I finally got my wife to scream during sex? Yeah, you should have heard her the other day when I walked in on her.

Friends = your power level.

Emo kid = power level: 0000.

"Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

"Mary."

"Mary who?"

"Marry me!"

Why did the Mexican man push his wife off a cliff?

Tequila.

I know your name is baller cause I'm gonna put my baller into yo MOTHER HOLLER!

Why did he kill himself?

Because he is adopted to a fat man who farts.

Me and a girl went on a walk...

Then she noticed me, then we went for a run. :)

Son: Dad, what are those two huge balloons on mommy's chest?

Dad: I don't see balloons, but I see boobs. I mean, yes, balloons.

Son: Are you sure they're balloons? Yesterday I heard Uncle Frank trying to get a milk dispenser working.

My sister's friends are hilarious, like seriously, haha.