Relationship jokes

So if you say a bear shoots children, and Leah likes Mason Boswells, and I go to Benjamin Adlard year 6.

Mom, am I adopted?

What? No. "In head" No, dah, bitch.

I had sex with my German girlfriend; it was kinda weird though. She kept yelling her age. I don't know why.

So, I accidentally just tipped over my paralyzed sister.

Did I tell you I finally got my wife to scream during sex? Yeah, you should have heard her the other day when I walked in on her.

You know, that I see my sister at home from school. She says everyone bullies me. I say, "Because you're a fat a**."

You're so hot!

Me and my wife decided we would only smoke after sex.

I'm still on the first pack. She's up to 2 packs a week.

By the time I ran my wife over with my car, I had to stop for gas twice.

Your mama is so fat. Her high school picture is an aerial photograph.

Hey girl, are you a diamond pick?

'Cause I'm as hard as obsidian.

Your mama is so fat, guys have to bring climbing equipment to have sex with her.

What do you call your mom?

Monkey.

Friends = your power level.

Emo kid = power level: 0000.

"Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

"Mary."

"Mary who?"

"Marry me!"

One time I was with my uncle. He said to me to pass him the marble on the floor. All I heard was my butt clapping with his sausage.

A blind woman told her husband someone is coming. He asks how do you know, you can't see. She replies, "I can taste it."

Your mom is a joke.

What do you call an orphan taking a selfie?

A family portrait........

You might say I'm mean but what are they gonna do..... tell their parents?

Wait..........

On my Tinder profile, I said, "I prefer quality over quantity." I just thought it sounded nicer than saying "no fat birds."