Relationship jokes

One day I was walking around, then saw this mom mad at her kid and screamed, "You're adopted!" He said, "Yeah, I know. My REAL mommy is still at home with daddy."

What is the worst thing you can find out about a woman on a first date?

She claims to have been raped. Then, you know to get as far away from her as possible because she's probably a feminazi bitch.

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberrys, rub one ball and everything moves!

I once told Siri, "Hey Siri, why am I still single?" She opened the front camera.

Alabama.

Every time there's a family reunion, a baby is born 9 months later.

One day I got home and told my girlfriend, "I cheated on you." She replied with, "F**k you!" I then said, "But you won't, that's why I cheated on you."

What did the baby cow say to the mommy cow when he saw a hamburger?

"Mommy, is that Uncle Joe?"

Why does Ms. Mushroom 🍄 go out with Mr. Mushroom 🍄?

Because he’s a fungi.

Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”

Dad: “Call me George.”

I like my women the way I like my coffee, and I don't drink coffee.

Why do you call a priest a father? Because calling them daddy would be too sus.

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

Once an orphan got a girlfriend. He regretted it. She left him too.

Why can't orphans work at McDonald's? Because they call their employees family.

A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”

Hickory dickory dock. My wife avoids my cock. She's losing her and having an affair. So I had to slap Chris Rock.

So today I heard a friend say she had a stalker. I can confirm I've never seen a stalker following her.

My dad brought me some sunglasses, but it still wasn't enough to keep my son out of my life.

Ariana Grande had 7 husbands, so she had 7 rings.

What is happening? Which is better: being loved or being hated? State your answer.