Relationship jokes

What is the worst thing you can find out about a woman on a first date?

She claims to have been raped. Then, you know to get as far away from her as possible because she's probably a feminazi bitch.

A man died and went to heaven. Every time you cheat, you get a worse car.

The first man cheated 5 times; he got a Jeep. The second man cheated 3 times; he got a BMW. The third man never cheated; he got a Lamborghini.

The second man saw the third man sad. He said, "Why are you sad?" The third man said, "I saw my wife with a scooter."

A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up... you're next!"

Why go across the street when you can just go down the hall, lol?

I used to date a girl named Ruth, but she broke up with me and now I am ruthless.

I saw my wife at the dam yesterday. Drat. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream.

"Your pussy is sweeter than Mom's," Brother admired his sister.

"I know," replied Sister. "Father told me too."

What did Melania ever see in Donald Trump?

$2 billion and high cholesterol.

Weather is like sex. Once in a while you need to get wet.

One day I was walking around, then saw this mom mad at her kid and screamed, "You're adopted!" He said, "Yeah, I know. My REAL mommy is still at home with daddy."

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberrys, rub one ball and everything moves!

I once told Siri, "Hey Siri, why am I still single?" She opened the front camera.

What did the baby cow say to the mommy cow when he saw a hamburger?

"Mommy, is that Uncle Joe?"

Alabama.

Every time there's a family reunion, a baby is born 9 months later.

One day I got home and told my girlfriend, "I cheated on you." She replied with, "F**k you!" I then said, "But you won't, that's why I cheated on you."

Why does Ms. Mushroom 🍄 go out with Mr. Mushroom 🍄?

Because he’s a fungi.

I hooked up with my German girlfriend. It was really distracting when she kept saying her age.

If you're in Alabama, family reunions are basically speed dating events.

Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”

Dad: “Call me George.”

I like my women the way I like my coffee, and I don't drink coffee.