Relationship jokes

Today was a bad day. First, my ex got hit by a bus. Then I lost my job as a bus driver.

Why can't orphans be gay?

Because they have no one they can call "daddy."

Kidnapping is just surprise adoption.

My dad's the oldest, and when he was young, he shot my grandpa's balls off, but I thought about it. How does my dad have younger brothers?

My mom told me yesterday that in this Valentine, we should take our love to new heights. So tomorrow I'm prepared to fuck her in "The Hot Seat" position.

Stage 4 cancer is like a woman. You can’t beat it, but if you do, she’ll probably come back again.

One day I was walking around, then saw this mom mad at her kid and screamed, "You're adopted!" He said, "Yeah, I know. My REAL mommy is still at home with daddy."

What is the worst thing you can find out about a woman on a first date?

She claims to have been raped. Then, you know to get as far away from her as possible because she's probably a feminazi bitch.

A man died and went to heaven. Every time you cheat, you get a worse car.

The first man cheated 5 times; he got a Jeep. The second man cheated 3 times; he got a BMW. The third man never cheated; he got a Lamborghini.

The second man saw the third man sad. He said, "Why are you sad?" The third man said, "I saw my wife with a scooter."

A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up... you're next!"

Why go across the street when you can just go down the hall, lol?

I used to date a girl named Ruth, but she broke up with me and now I am ruthless.

I saw my wife at the dam yesterday. Drat. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream.

What did Melania ever see in Donald Trump?

$2 billion and high cholesterol.

Like if you have a boyfriend, girlfriend, or husband, or wife, or a crush.

Weather is like sex. Once in a while you need to get wet.

Alabama.

Every time there's a family reunion, a baby is born 9 months later.

I once told Siri, "Hey Siri, why am I still single?" She opened the front camera.

One day I got home and told my girlfriend, "I cheated on you." She replied with, "F**k you!" I then said, "But you won't, that's why I cheated on you."

What did the baby cow say to the mommy cow when he saw a hamburger?

"Mommy, is that Uncle Joe?"