Relationship jokes

Why go across the street when you can just go down the hall, lol?

I used to date a girl named Ruth, but she broke up with me and now I am ruthless.

Weather is like sex. Once in a while you need to get wet.

One day I was walking around, then saw this mom mad at her kid and screamed, "You're adopted!" He said, "Yeah, I know. My REAL mommy is still at home with daddy."

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberrys, rub one ball and everything moves!

I once told Siri, "Hey Siri, why am I still single?" She opened the front camera.

Alabama.

Every time there's a family reunion, a baby is born 9 months later.

One day I got home and told my girlfriend, "I cheated on you." She replied with, "F**k you!" I then said, "But you won't, that's why I cheated on you."

What did the baby cow say to the mommy cow when he saw a hamburger?

"Mommy, is that Uncle Joe?"

Why does Ms. Mushroom 🍄 go out with Mr. Mushroom 🍄?

Because he’s a fungi.

What do lesbians cook for dinner?

They don't, they just eat out.

Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”

Dad: “Call me George.”

I like my women the way I like my coffee, and I don't drink coffee.

Why do you call a priest a father? Because calling them daddy would be too sus.

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

Once an orphan got a girlfriend. He regretted it. She left him too.

Why can't orphans work at McDonald's? Because they call their employees family.

A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”

Hickory dickory dock. My wife avoids my cock. She's losing her and having an affair. So I had to slap Chris Rock.

So today I heard a friend say she had a stalker. I can confirm I've never seen a stalker following her.