Relationship jokes
What is the difference between a washing machine and a hooker?
I can put a load in the washing machine without it following me.
What did Melania ever see in Donald Trump?
$2 billion and high cholesterol.
Why did the orphan not have a girlfriend?
Because he thought that she would leave him too.
Today was a bad day. First, my ex got hit by a bus. Then I lost my job as a bus driver.
Why can't orphans be gay?
Because they have no one they can call "daddy."
My dad's the oldest, and when he was young, he shot my grandpa's balls off, but I thought about it. How does my dad have younger brothers?
Two husbands walk into a bar.
The first one says, "My wife is an angel."
The second one says, "You're lucky, mine is still alive."
My mom told me yesterday that in this Valentine, we should take our love to new heights. So tomorrow I'm prepared to fuck her in "The Hot Seat" position.
Kidnapping is just surprise adoption.
One day I was walking around, then saw this mom mad at her kid and screamed, "You're adopted!" He said, "Yeah, I know. My REAL mommy is still at home with daddy."
What is the worst thing you can find out about a woman on a first date?
She claims to have been raped. Then, you know to get as far away from her as possible because she's probably a feminazi bitch.
A man died and went to heaven. Every time you cheat, you get a worse car.
The first man cheated 5 times; he got a Jeep. The second man cheated 3 times; he got a BMW. The third man never cheated; he got a Lamborghini.
The second man saw the third man sad. He said, "Why are you sad?" The third man said, "I saw my wife with a scooter."
A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up... you're next!"
Why go across the street when you can just go down the hall, lol?
I used to date a girl named Ruth, but she broke up with me and now I am ruthless.
What do girls and noodles have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.
I saw my wife at the dam yesterday. Drat. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream.
A man comes home and hears his wife talking about having sex at the club. The man busts into the club with a revolver and says, "WHO TF FUCKED MY WIFE?" Well, everyone looks over and is quiet, and someone in the back says, "Mate, you don't have enough bullets."
Weather is like sex. Once in a while you need to get wet.
I once told Siri, "Hey Siri, why am I still single?" She opened the front camera.