Ariana Grande had 7 husbands, so she had 7 rings.
Visiting Alabama? Pop-up dating ads be like: "Never be lonely at cousinsonly.com."
Mickey Mouse is speaking with a divorce attorney...
...and the attorney says, "I'm sorry Mickey, I've gone over all of Minnie's medical history and I find no evidence of mental illness."
To which Mickey replies, "I didn't say she's crazy! I said she's fucking Goofy!"
What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.
I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf.
So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.
I told my mother that my new girlfriend is disabled. Now we wait.
What kind of man would be a lesbian's best friend? A decimen.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue, I’d rather be single than with someone like you.
Q: What is a lesbian's version of a cock block?
A: A beaver dam.
Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”
Dad: “Call me George.”
Why do you call a priest a father? Because calling them daddy would be too sus.
If you're in Alabama, family reunions are basically speed dating events.
I like my women the way I like my coffee, and I don't drink coffee.
A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”
Hickory dickory dock. My wife avoids my cock. She's losing her and having an affair. So I had to slap Chris Rock.
So today I heard a friend say she had a stalker. I can confirm I've never seen a stalker following her.
Once an orphan got a girlfriend. He regretted it. She left him too.
Why can't orphans work at McDonald's? Because they call their employees family.
My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.
Q: How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?
A: He forgot to wrap his Whopper.
A man comes home and hears his wife talking about having sex at the club. The man busts into the club with a revolver and says, "WHO TF FUCKED MY WIFE?" Well, everyone looks over and is quiet, and someone in the back says, "Mate, you don't have enough bullets."
