Relationship jokes

Son: Dad, Dad, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG!!!!!!!

Dad: What's wrong? Are you OK?!

Son: Mia asked me out on a date on February 30th!

Dad: 'Cause there's no February 30th?

The daughter milked her dad. It turns out it wasn't milk...

One man's trash is another man's treasure.

Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.

I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks.

I didn't want to interrupt her.

A couple is sitting down, holding hands, and having a picnic after their wedding when the husband's friend walks over and says,

"Jenny and Jonathan sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes abrupt, tragic miscarriage! Then comes blame. Then comes despair, two hearts damaged, beyond repair. Johnathan leaves Jenny, and writes on the tree: D-I-V-O-R-C-E."

Why do orphans love having sex?

Because they can finally call somebody "daddy."

What do you call your brother in Alabama? Daddy.

What is the difference between a washing machine and a hooker?

I can put a load in the washing machine without it following me.

I like my cigars like I like my women: 7 years old and in a burlap sack from Cuba.

Ok, not really racist but still funny.

Why did the orphan not have a girlfriend?

Because he thought that she would leave him too.

Today was a bad day. First, my ex got hit by a bus. Then I lost my job as a bus driver.

Why can't orphans be gay?

Because they have no one they can call "daddy."

My dad's the oldest, and when he was young, he shot my grandpa's balls off, but I thought about it. How does my dad have younger brothers?

Kidnapping is just surprise adoption.

Stage 4 cancer is like a woman. You can’t beat it, but if you do, she’ll probably come back again.

A man died and went to heaven. Every time you cheat, you get a worse car.

The first man cheated 5 times; he got a Jeep. The second man cheated 3 times; he got a BMW. The third man never cheated; he got a Lamborghini.

The second man saw the third man sad. He said, "Why are you sad?" The third man said, "I saw my wife with a scooter."

A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up... you're next!"

Why go across the street when you can just go down the hall, lol?

I used to date a girl named Ruth, but she broke up with me and now I am ruthless.

Weather is like sex. Once in a while you need to get wet.