I will never forget my girlfriend's last words... "Get off of me! STOP!" *slurp*... Dead.
When I was a kid, I used to read a lot. I mainly grew up reading stories by Shakespeare, especially the story Romeo & Juliet. That one in particular taught me a valuable life lesson. It taught me to not be surprised when my girlfriend killed herself.
What is the difference between your girlfriend and your sister?
They're both "sweet home Alabama."
A man comes home and finds his wife in bed with another guy. "What's going on here!?" he exclaims.
The wife replies, "See, I told you he was stupid."
What commitment does a pimp make to each new hoe he turns out?
Answer: He will always be there for her after the break-in period.
Ever seen the show Naked and Afraid? That’s what I call hide-and-seek with my uncle.
Everyone likes orphans but their parents.
Yo mama so stupid, she tried to climb Mt. Dew.
I would tell a dad joke, but it already left me.
What’s the speed limit in bed?
It’s 68. Once you hit 69, you have to turn back around.
Why can't an orphan be gay? It has no one to call daddy.
When his dick is really, really small, but you pretend it is so big it hurts so you don’t make him feel bad 'cause he is a nice guy.
A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend."
The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better."
"Thanks Dad," the son says.
The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."
I don't like marriage. It's just like soup, as soon as you're done spooning it, it all cools off.
Why do men give cold women their jackets?
No man wants a blowjob from a woman with chattering teeth.
"Babe, is it in?" "Yeah." "Does it hurt?" "Uh-huh." "Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts." "Okay, let's try another shoe size."
I saw my wife at the dam yesterday, which sucks because I wanted her to flow further down.
What’s the difference between a female farmer and Hitler’s girlfriend?
One bails her hay, and the other heils her bae.
You call your dad the sun because he is 90 million miles away.
I hope you know CPR, because you are taking my breath away!
