Relationship jokes

I just wanted to write something random.

And now my wife is dead.

Imagine when you are about to cry at the funeral, then your friend's phone rings.

Then he says, "I'll call you back, I'm still at the die."

What’s the difference between an orphan and a flower? One of them gets picked.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. Your wife needs Jon Grudon, too.

penis.

I like penis.

freshfry, we need to talk now...

If you think long and hard, oral sex is like cannibals.

There were two twin brothers, Lucas and Marcus. Marcus got a girlfriend while Lucas stayed single.

A few weeks later, Lucas was caught kissing Marcus's girlfriend, and Marcus comes over and says: "Babe, I know we're twins, but I'm Marcus, and that's Lucas you were kissing." And his girlfriend looks at him and says: "I know."

What’s one thing you can say during a wedding and in bed?

I didn’t know we were having seafood tonight!

If an orphan takes a selfie, it is a family photo.

Your mom gay.

Life is like a penis.

Women make it hard.

Don't take my posts seriously, take them like your ex took you—as a joke.

Hi Mom, how are you doing?

Me and my friend are walking, we see a kid. My friend asks him why he's crying and if he lost his parents. He said, "Yeah." I slapped my friend because we were at an orphanage.

A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees, and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing.

They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing, then his friend calls and he is groaning. He said he was having cramps, so the husband tells the doctor, "Doc, turn it up to 40%!" So he does, and his friend throws up, so he said, "Doc, turn it up to 100%!" and his friend dies.

Sex has no feeling with our cousin. Because both are relative.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

"Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!"

I wasn't close to my dad when he died.

Which was good, he died to a landmine.

Global warming will kill every single person on this planet.

It's a good thing I'm married.