Relationship jokes

Mickey Mouse went to a psychologist and told him, “I’m having problems with my girlfriend.”

The psychologist said, “You mentioned that you think she is crazy.”

He said, “I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she’s fucking Goofy!”

Girl: "...I like you... do you like me back?"

Me: "Nope."

Girl: *is depressed* "Oh okay...."

Me: "You never said \"love\"".

Girl: "Oh! well do you love me?"

Me: "Frick no."

Kenny's favorite part of living in his mom's basement is sleeping with the landlady.

A mother and son were in the backyard, and the son finished building a shed. The mother says, "You're the best husband ever."

I'll never forget my grandfather's last words: "STOP SHAKING THE LADDER, YOU LITTLE CUNT!"

I broke up with my deaf girlfriend because she never listened to me.

I like my woman like I like my coffee: in a big sack on top of a donkey.

When you go to your friend's house to fuck her brother, but realize he's your brother from your mom's side.

So I heard Kenny's mom got moved to a nursing home.

He'll probably leave her alone now.

He doesn't eat vegetables.

How do you know when you should tell a heterosexual woman to stop sucking your dick?

When there is blood coming out of your dick instead of sperm.

What is the difference between your girlfriend and your sister?

They're both "sweet home Alabama."

Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? - Because he needed some space.

Woman: What’s a good comeback for my sexist husband when he tells me to go make him a sandwich?

Husband: I know! How about you COMEBACK with a goddamn sandwich?

Why is sex like math?

You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there’s no multiplying.

Me (an adult) with my girl going to a nice restaurant, I asked the waiter, "People under 12 eat free, right?" The waiter confirmed that yes, people under 12 eat free, then my girlfriend said, "But I'm 13."

Me: Can I get your mom's number?

Friend: Here you go:

Me: Ohh, strange, I already had it.

Why’s it so hard to break up with a Japanese girl? You gotta drop the bomb twice.

Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?

A: You slap her.

What do snow and friends have in common? If you pee on them, they disappear.

Did you hear that Alicia wrecked her Lexus?

It's really a shame. She had to give her dad 3 months worth of blowjobs before he'd pay for it.