Relationship jokes
What’s the difference between a mother and a girlfriend?
A girlfriend likes a bad boy.
Sister.
Angelina Jolie was married to Brad Pitt...
Does that make her a "Brad Nailer", and him a "Jolie Jumper"?
From the wise words of my friend, "You ain't a man 'til you had a man."
So a kid was hanging out with his mom and this man comes up to him and said, "Hi, I'm your new dad." The kid did not think about it, and then he did and said, "But I already have a dad." The mom said, "That was not your real dad."
Women say their baby daddies are trash like... woman, didn't he impregnate you and didn't he win your heart? I mean, he's not trash, you are!
What wastes your money as you earn it?
Women.
What do you call an orphan selfie?
A family photo.
Why can't I be gay? I have nobody to call "daddy."
"I want to kill my family."
-realizes-
My girlfriend told me that she wonders what our kids will look like.
No, they will be wondering what I look like.
When I died, my friend said he'd cover me.
One time, a man got mad at me because I was hitting on his girlfriend. Like come on, man, it was only a couple of bruises!
The thing my mom birthed.
Last night I had sex and she said, "Stop talking about s***, OMG!" and I made her scream so loud she said, "Her balls hurt!"
In America, mom births you.
In Soviet Russia, you birth mom.
What did the kid say to the orphan?
"Well, at least I have parents!"
My wife said to me, "You really have no sense of direction, do you?"
I said, "Where the fuck did that come from?!"
My jokes are like your dad, you only see them for a few days.
Boy: "Why can't you get a family?"
Me: "Why can't you get a rope?"
Boy: "What do you mean?"
Friend and me: "We can show you."
Me: "I will tie the rope."
Friend: "I will push the chair."