Relationship jokes
My mother told me to be positive, but she said that when I was going to do an AIDS test.
My mom: "Dear, I don't know why your grandma is spending more time with her friend Carla, can you spy on her?"
Me: "Your mom gay lol."
My mom: "Don't talk about your grandma like that, you rude girl."
You: "Your mom gay lol."
A dad told his son never to hit girls, so the son replied, "I promise."
When the son got older, he was doing the dirty with "a girl," and the girl says, "Spank me, daddy..." and the son responds, "My dad said never to hit a girl."
Then the "girl" takes off the wig, and it's his dad, and the dad said, "Good job, son!"
Son:...... um
Why can't an orphan go to a family reunion?
It has no family.
A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?”
He responded with, “The cat is dead.”
She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you have broken the news slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing's dead! Anyways, how’s my mom?”
“She’s playing on the roof.”
Myla, what did you do for Father's Day?
Myla: I went to a restaurant.
Timmy, what did you do for Father's Day?
Timmy: I went to a concert.
Olivia, what did you do for Father's Day?
Olivia: Talked to him through an ouija board.
What did Goodlife Fitness say to LA Fitness? "I guess it's just not 'working out'!"
Why did the parachute break up with the skydiver?
Because it was tired of being taken for granted every time things fell apart.
Me: Roasts my annoying cousin.
Everyone at the barbecue...
I broke up with my boyfriend and stole his wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back?
Why don't chickens and sheep get along?
Because they have beef between them.
Why did Brandon's mum chase him with a knife? Because he didn't let her cum first!
What does a lesbian bring on the second date?
A U-Haul.
Why are women like parking spots?
Because all of the good ones are always taken first, and you gotta wait until they're available again.
I keep looking for my girlfriend's killer, but no one wants to do it.
I woke up to my daughter riding me in bed. I asked, "What are you doing?" She replied, "Making a Creampie."
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"
These days, dating life is hard. You put yourself out there, and it's hard to find someone. The only thing to do is turn to family.
Don't adopt people, or else your parents are gonna say you're ACTUALLY adopted, k thx. No jokes anymore, bye.
What’s something you can say to a waiter, but not your wife?
"Does this come with anything?"