Relationship jokes
I told my emo girlfriend, "Do you like the lights?" Oh wait, she ain't got any.
Yo mama so hot that even Sodapop Curtis flirts with her.
Mate, my wife Susan has kicked me out again, anyone got a lift?
People always call me heartless. That’s not true. I have a heart... it just wasn’t meant for you.
I had a girlfriend who was a below-the-knee amputee. We broke up because she just couldn't keep her legs closed.
If a girl is vegan and she's dating a transgender person, does that mean she's eating fake meat too?
Summary of Twilight in one sentence:
Bella hits on two guys, runs away. Edward glances to Jacob saying, "Go Fetch," and suddenly Bella's his.
One woman said to the other, "This child is truly cruel!"
The second woman replied, "Did I say 'child'?"
The first woman said, "I beg your pardon; I didn't know you were my father!"
I have a heart, alright. I just happen to see a mere hollow shell of one coming from you.
I want to be a bag so we can be together.
Isn't Barbie supposed to come with Ken?
Barbie comes with G.I. Joe. She fakes it with Ken.
Is she saying, "Watch for red flags because he's toxic," or is he socialist?
Why can't a homeless person be seen around your wife?
Because she'll ask for her cardboard box! Ahahah.
If she's not ready for an X-rated movie, she's not ready for this X-rated booty.
My girlfriend asked me to hand her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
So, one day Kylin Banks was playing football. Then he saw Violet. After he saw her, he got bricked up. Then he ran after her and rubbed his pickle all over her. She was so happy.
Friend: Hi.
Me: Do you know how lost their dad is?
Friend: Me?
Me: Damn, no, not you.
Friend: Then who?
Me: The orphan kid.
I guess we're the same.
I was watching The Perfect Murder with my boyfriend. It was a good movie, but the weird thing was that my boyfriend was taking notes throughout the whole movie.
What is the difference between you and a calendar?
A calendar has dates.
Your hairline goes even further back than the last time your parents said "I love you."