Relationship jokes

Mom: Do I look fat in my dress?

Child: Nah... you look fat in every dress!

I'm 5'6", and my mom is 5'1" and 1/2. She always says she's going to get a suicide vest and fill it with bricks and squish me. I tell her good luck.

And when she tries to hug me, she says, "You're too fucking tall, kid," so I usually reply with "Go get a stool then."

My girlfriend is so stupid, she asked me if I wanted to shower with her to save money on our water bill, while we were staying at a hotel where we didn't even have to pay the water bill.

I told my emo girlfriend, "Do you like the lights?" Oh wait, she ain't got any.

Yo mama so hot that even Sodapop Curtis flirts with her.

I could tell my cousin you are so annoying, but she told me first, so we both said it at the same time. 🫣🤣😂

Every time my cousin and I, we settle it out with our game, so we play rock paper scissors. 😂🤣🤣

Mate, my wife Susan has kicked me out again, anyone got a lift?

Yo mama is so ugly that Rick Astley gave her up.

Me when my girlfriend comes home, I check her phone and there are 100 texts from a different guy asking her out, and her text says yes.

Get the whip, you're out!

You realize we are tolerating you, right?

Mbu some guys look financially stable until you start dating them... Mbu wait I see how this week goes...🤔

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic, but I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

What does it mean when there is a man in your bed, gasping for breath and saying your name?

It just means that you didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Your mom disrespected your dad when he saw your face.

Wife: “How do I look?” Husband: “With your eyes.”

My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote Linkin Park too much.

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

"There is no way you can fit in there."

"Says who?"

"Your mom."

"When?"

"Last night."

"OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-"

What hurts the most? 😹

A. Breaking up before chewing.

B. Breaking up after chewing.

You want to get her pregnant before marriage to know if she's fertile, so why not marry a single mother that already has proof?