Relationship jokes

You are like a thunderstorm; when you go away, like your dad, everyone is happy.

Me: Where's your mom?

Kid: [cries]

Me: [leaving from the adoption center]

The thing my mom birthed.

My girlfriend broke up with me today. Her mom had to take her to daycare. 😢😢😢

Family is precious, so you have to keep them away from the sunlight.

What wastes your money as you earn it?

Women.

Ryan, I laid out more jokes than you have crying about me!

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I bought her another, identical one.

She just screamed at me and said: “What am I meant to do with two dead dogs?!?”

Why can't I be gay? I have nobody to call "daddy."

"I want to kill my family."

-realizes-

When I died, my friend said he'd cover me.

My gf told me I have to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car.

Did your dad ever tell you he was going to get milk... But then never came back lol? 😅

In America, mom births you.

In Soviet Russia, you birth mom.

Bully: How is your girlfriend?

Me: I don't have one!

Bully: I know!

Me: How are your parents?

*Walks out of orphanage*

Why are you guys making fun of priests?

Because you have a suga daddy already.

Last night I had sex and she said, "Stop talking about s***, OMG!" and I made her scream so loud she said, "Her balls hurt!"

When a deaf person has sex, do they use one hand to moan?

My family is like a cactus. They're a bunch of pricks.

Dad: Are you gay?

Kid: Yes.

10 days later.

Kid: I’m going to my girlfriend's house.

Dad: I thought you were gay?

Kid: What’s wrong with you? He’s the girly girl of our relationship, dumba**.

Dad: Don’t swear and okay, bud.