Relationship jokes
I was walking down the street when I saw my ex-girlfriend, so I fucked her. Turns out it was her identical twins that she never told me about.
And I decided to confront her. So I did the next time I saw her, but this time it was her identical triplet. There are 3 of them...
AND SHE NEVER BROUGHT THAT UP IN THE 7 YEARS I WAS DATING HER!
Gf: "You are a drug."
Bf: "Why, cause you are addicted to me?"
Gf: "No, because you are number one most wanted in Montana."
What’s red, nine inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry every time she sees it?
Her abortion.
Have you ever said no? Did they keep going?
Your mom's like a candy machine; she pops out for anybody.
A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.
The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."
Yo momma's so fat that she got married to diabetes!
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Dad!
Dad who?
*Silence*
My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."
Who makes the best anteaters?
Uncle's... (Aunt eaters)
Why can't orphans do it?
They have no one to call "daddy."
My crush: "I cut 4 inches off my hair yesterday." Me: "So?" My crush: "4 inches is a lot!" Me: "Oh yeah?"
Are you a noose, 'cause I wanna hang out with you?
You must be from Pearl Harbor, 'cause baby, you're the bomb!
What do lovely men and tampons have in common?
Both lick up the juices of the women they were made for.
Noticing how wet and gentle the baby's mouth was on the bottle tip, this gave Uncle Willie an idea.
Denki: Hey, Mineta, I have a joke for you.
Mineta: Go on.
Denki: Uraraka's booty.
Mineta: I don't get it.
Denki: Exactly.
Mineta: ^cries T_T^
Roses are red. Watches are gold. Get on your knees and do what you're told.
What do you call it when an orphan takes a picture?
A family portrait.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.