Relationship jokes

How do I make my dick disappear?

I put it in your dad.

My friend bought a Tom Holland blanket and I said, "Well, now you're sleeping with him."

Are you feeling down? Because I wanna feel you up.

What makes Stephen Hawking and your dumped girlfriend similar?

They can't stand up for themselves.

Why can't an orphan have sex?

They have no one to call "daddy."

Why can't orphans be gay? They don't know their daddy.

I jump off a cliff and said I hate you, dumb blond, and eagle...Then I said to my wife, "We're done, Blondie," and said to my friend, "You're a dumbhead eagle!"

What's the difference between a sex slave and a goat?

I don't have a sex slave in my basement...

My mom told me to recycle the trash. I guess I’m taking you for another bike ride!

"Go frick a cow!"

"I already fricked your mother."

My girlfriend didn't bring me the sandwich, so I brought the gas.

Why did the grandpa leave the house to go to the grocery store?

To get the ice cream for the grandma.

You're adopted, do you want to know why? Because you're so ugly.

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around.”

His name is "Daddy!" HELP!

What's the difference between an orphan and Daniel Larusso?

At least Daniel has a mom.

What do you call sex with a hoover?

Clean sex.

A friend sits across from me at class so I asked if she wants to hang out sometimes. She said yes, so I called her over to my house, and that's the day I found out she was a guy.

The moral of the story: don't try to fuck your friends.

So, two people are on a date and the guy says, "Wow, you are so beautiful!"

Then the girl says, "You just want to have sex!"

Then the guy adds, "SMART TO!"

She’s got 20 dudes in her DMs telling her she is pretty. Stand out, call her ugly.