Relationship jokes
If you had a friend like me, would you kill me?
What do your girlfriend and a pool have in common? They both cost a lot of money for the amount of time you’re inside them.
My mom is a chemistry teacher.
Mom: You can’t be attracted to something without it being attracted to you back.
Me: Tell that to my FUCKING CRUSH, BITCH!
Ur Granny, tranny.
Ur Dad, lesbian.
Ur Mom, gay.
My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers.
To be honest, I should have seen the signs.
What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Stop and apply lubrication.
You ever look back at your ex and are like, "Wow! What was I thinking?"
Then I start to think I was the problem :(
Just kidding, fuck that asshole!
I caught my wife this morning gazing at our marriage license of long ago that hangs upon our wall with tears in her eye!
Almost got teary eyed myself until she told me she was only looking for the expiration date!
Why was the orphan single? Because it could not call someone "daddy".
I was walking in the forest with my gf.
I had a Desert Eagle for protection.
A bear jumped out of the bushes; one shot was enough to put my gf down, and it gave me enough time to run away.
A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.
Your wife dumped you because you are so poor and you are so ugly. You also live under a rock and have no money. You got dumped so hard you can't remember you got dumped.
Why can’t orphans go to daughter and dad dance night? They don’t have a dad to go with.
A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.
First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.
A father came to his daughter's 18th birthday. He finally came.
Did you hear about the woman who put her husband’s ashes in a burrito?
He gets to tear that ass up one more time.
My son said that bully needs a pounding, then I say, "Yeah, right, that is what I said and did to your mother." My son opens his mouth and freezes. I guess he knew what I was talking about.
FaceBook Story: My mom loves FaceBook; she literally posts every day, but this day was sort of a hard hit.
So what happened was my mom got tired of her old name on Facebook, so she changed it to Thatmilf85, and I don't want to explain what milf means, but she got a lot of DM's from a lot of old guys. BUT, this one exact guy named Johnny Sins asked my mom if she wanted to do an adult film. I don't know what that is. I think it's an adult movie, of course, so she says yes and flies out to San Diego, and she never came back after yesterday, and to YOU Johnny Sins, my mom better be Ok and that adult film better be an adult movie and not a por...
I was digging in my garden when I found this chest of gold coins.
I wanted to run inside to tell my wife what I found, but that's when I remembered why I was digging.
Are you a haunted house? Because I’m going to scream when I’m in you! 😫