Relationship jokes

Wife: I will leave you if you call me fat again.

Husband: Wait, dear... Don’t do it for the sake of our kid!

Wife: Kid?

Husband: Yeah, aren’t you pregnant?

Yeah man, you watch Pornhub, and you have premium too, but at least I don't need Premium to see your mom in bed.

Day 70 without sex, my doctor asked me, "Are you sexually active?" I said, "Why, what you tryna do?"

Yo mama's such a milf, she deserves a tongue punch in the fart box.

Today a girl asked me how big my dick is, so I asked how big her pussy is, and she said, "Come over to my house and find out!"

What is the craziest thing an Indian man does for sex?

Marriage.

Dear doctor,

I've heard it's a good sign when women scream your first name during sex, but recently women have been screaming my full name. It's weird, I feel like I'm famous. Can you tell me what this means?

Yours Truly, Ray Palp

Zion is so fat that his dick can't even fit in his wife's pussy.

I’ll never forget the first time we met, but I’ll keep trying.

How emos propose: Would you please join my family tree?

My girlfriend said she's having a horrible time with her period. I ask her which one, but realize she's not talking about school...

We don't see each other very much.

Hi, you guys don't know me, but I have my best interests at heart.

I'm a kind person who wants to put a stop to the bullying. I think that Gwen, Addison Banks, Watersharky, ect. are kind people! Also, I kinda like Watersharky...

You: Its nighttime, shouldn't we be heading to bed?

Boy Roommate: Ok, are you Top or Bottom?

You: Uhhhhhhh

Boy Roommate: No dumby, bunk beds.

You: Thank God.

Boy Roommate: But if you wanna, we can...

You: *faints*

Girl: I like girls.

Dad: Ok?

Girl 2: I like girls too.

Dad: Okay, so who likes boys?!

Boy: I do.

What do you do when your sister asks you “Why are you sad?”

Reply back with “Because you were born.”

The granddaughter wanted to see granny. She killed herself.

YOUR MOM sucks my dick 24/7.

Jackie gives better head than Marilyn.

When fat people smash, it must feel like a huge submarine hitting you.

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing you haven't told her twice already.