Relationship jokes

My friend bought a Tom Holland blanket and I said, "Well, now you're sleeping with him."

My brother thinks he's cool when he just SMELLS.

Well, I got stuck in the dryer and fell asleep. Then my step bro got home, and I did not know, and hours later I woke up. My pants were down, and my butt was on fire.

His name is "Daddy!" HELP!

Your mom is so small that she can fit in the luggage.

My girlfriend said to me, "Dear, I think you have hit an animal, there's blood and dents all over the bonnet."

I said, "No, love, I'm not waiting for a Black Lives Matter rally."

What's the difference between an orphan and Daniel Larusso?

At least Daniel has a mom.

How do I make my dick disappear?

I put it in your dad.

What do you call sex with a hoover?

Clean sex.

Always breathing down my neck, my vampire girlfriend does not give me any space.

Why did the grandpa leave the house to go to the grocery store?

To get the ice cream for the grandma.

Orphan: I love abcdefu!

Caretaker: Why? You don't have anyone to flip off.

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around.”

Bully: How’s your girlfriend?

Kid: I don’t have one. How are your parents?

Bully: *cries*

Kid: *Walks out of the orphanage*

What did the emo guy say to the emo girl?

"Like ur cute g."

You're adopted, do you want to know why? Because you're so ugly.

My boyfriend dumped me. Guess who came back crawling for his zimmer frame?

I jump off a cliff and said I hate you, dumb blond, and eagle...Then I said to my wife, "We're done, Blondie," and said to my friend, "You're a dumbhead eagle!"

What's the difference between a sex slave and a goat?

I don't have a sex slave in my basement...

My mom told me to recycle the trash. I guess I’m taking you for another bike ride!