Relationship jokes
I am like currency; people always trade me out for someone better.
Hello! I'm Taylor, and this is my life story with me and my ex girl. So when I was little, I met this girl. Her name was Leah. We were besties for a while until I turned 13. Then I asked if she wanted to date me. She said yes!
But one day, in the middle of school, she was talking to another man!!!!!!! AND THEY HUGGED AND KISSED EACH OTHER ON THE CHEEK!!!!!! Then, she told me she hated me. I was so upset!!!!!!!! Whatever you do, don't follow the ugly rat!!!!!!!!! <3
Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned cupped herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" and he came running in. "Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor!" she said.
"S’truth, Sheila!" Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get me mate Cobber."
They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor. "No way, we can’t do it!" Cobber said, "So let’s try Plan B."
"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce, "What’s that?"
"I’ll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her," replied Cobber.
"Spot on!" Bruce said, "While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples."
"Play with her nipples?" Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"
"No... " Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper."
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you haven't told her twice.
So, this woman woke up since she had a bad dream and was yelling about her bad dream. Then, in the bed, her husband woke up and said, "Hey! You just woke me up in a sweet dream!" She said, "Oh, sorry babe." Then she asked him what his dream was about, and he responded like, "I was with a woman; me and her was in the middle of dreamy sex; you just ruined it!" She said, "AAAAh!" He asked her what her dream was about, then she replied as, "I was trying to suck a man's penis, and a cock trying to get cummiee out of it!"
Yo mama's so hot when she walked into Subway she gave me a foot long!
I was eating this girl out the other day and I tasted horse semen... I looked up at the girl and said “that’s how you died, grandma!”
How did number 1 kindly make number 2?
I got my ass kicked, let's be friends?
Why couldn't Sally get back up? Because she has no friends.
Wife: I will leave you if you call me fat again.
Husband: Wait, dear... Don’t do it for the sake of our kid!
Wife: Kid?
Husband: Yeah, aren’t you pregnant?
If her age is on the timer, I don't care if she's a minor.
What is the craziest thing an Indian man does for sex?
Marriage.
Why did the man cross the road?
Because his dick was stuck in the chicken!
You can make fun of adopted kids all you want. What are they going to do, tell their parents on you? Lol.
Day 70 without sex, my doctor asked me, "Are you sexually active?" I said, "Why, what you tryna do?"
Dear doctor,
I've heard it's a good sign when women scream your first name during sex, but recently women have been screaming my full name. It's weird, I feel like I'm famous. Can you tell me what this means?
Yours Truly, Ray Palp
Zion is so fat that his dick can't even fit in his wife's pussy.
My mom showed me that she could deep throat a banana. I asked how you know how to do that. My mom said, "I practice on your stepfather."
Today a girl asked me how big my dick is, so I asked how big her pussy is, and she said, "Come over to my house and find out!"
Girl: I like girls.
Dad: Ok?
Girl 2: I like girls too.
Dad: Okay, so who likes boys?!
Boy: I do.