Relationship jokes

Gays: I like men.

Straight: I like women.

Bisexual: A hole is a hole.

I lit my girlfriend on fire. I guess you could say I ignited her fire.

How can you tell that a blonde likes you? She only gives three fucking nights in a row.

Unknown be like: "Wah wah, I'm too scared to talk to girls in real life, so I bully random tweens I find online to make me feel better... what a shame."

You smash me so hard, I gave her the D.

Everyone likes orphans but their parents.

You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.

My brothers kept annoying me.

I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.

It was an empty threat—right after I was done.

I need a lovely lady to spoil. I have big dick. Add me.

Snapchat- any.bry05

A man asks God, "Hello God, why did you make my wife so dumb?"

God replies, "So she would love you..."

At least someone who is gay/Carter has someone.

You realize we are tolerating you, right?

Pickup line: Are you the internet? 'Cause I feel a connection.

Me at the Oscars when I see Jada Pinkett Smith, I said: "G.I. Jane 2, more like G.I. Jada 2, can't wait to see it."

So Will Smith is laughing and then suddenly, Will Smith walks up to me and punches me in the face.

Me: "Ow, oh, wow. Will Smith just smacked the shit out of me.” My nigga Smith goes: "KEEP MY WIFE'S NAME OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!" Me: "Maybe you should focus on keeping her friends out of hers."

Jack and Jill went up the hill to do it in the water. Jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a daughter.

Son: Hey dad, why is my name Canada?

Dad: Because you were made there.

Mum: We haven't been to Canada.

Dad: Hol' up a minute.

Why did Steven Hawking die?

His wife changed the WiFi password.

My girl got mad at me last night for saying to my mom that she had a dildo ready at all times and is always hard, so my mom wanted to see. So I whipped out my penis and my mom said it’s bigger than your dad’s!

What do you get when you cross a butt with a phone?

A booty call.

I heard my neighbors having sex, and it was annoying me, so I called my girlfriend to ask if she wanted to go out, but when I called her, I heard my neighbors' phone ringing.