Relationship jokes

My grandpa said I'm too reliant on technology... so I screamed that he was a hypocrite and I unplugged his life support.

What's the difference between my girlfriend and my sister?

There is no difference.

My wife treats me like God!

She takes no notice of my existence until she wants something.

Marriage is like buying a car. You see one that you like and then you buy it. But over the years, it gets older, rusty, and certain parts stop working.

Then you walk into a dealership and look at all the new ones and you're still stuck with the old one. You look over and go, "But I just wanna sit in it. Just once. It's even got leather interior, it's chrome, it doesn't even have oil or gas leaks! And it doesn't squeak!"

Your sister: You're so ugly.

Me: But we look the same, so who's also ugly?

Mum: Why are roses red?

Child: Stop, Mum, you never make jokes.

Mum: I made you.

So an orphan played for a football team, and the coach said, "Your parents must be proud of you!" 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Yo mama so fat, she fell in love with a skinny dude and tried to hug him but crushed him.

A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, “WHO THE FUCK FUCKED MY WIFE!”

A man in the back responds, “YOU AIN'T GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!”

You ever had sex with a woman that is so fat, it counted as a threesome?

Why did your parents abandon you?

Because the first thing you dad said to be was; "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WIFE."

My family is like a cactus. They're a bunch of pricks.

What's another name for an Incel? A feminist.

Johnny, Johnny?

Yes, Papa?

Do you love me?

No, Papa.

#### you!

If you're bored, hump Danny and fuck him. What is he, goons do fuck rock?

The only woman to ever tell you that they loved you was your mom. (If she even loved you in the first place.)

On my Tinder profile, I said, "I prefer quality over quantity." I just thought it sounded nicer than saying "no fat birds."

Mom (DYM 65).

Okay Air Attack Productions... Beat This-Falling-By watersharky Productions and TD.

My last made me feel like I would never try again, But when I saw you, I felt something I never felt, Come closer, I'll give you all my love, If you treat me right, baby, I'll give you everything, My last made me feel like I would never try again, But when I saw you, I felt something I never felt, Come closer, I'll give you all my love, If you treat me right, baby, I'll give you everything, Talk to me, I need to hear you need me like I need ya, Fall for me, I wanna know you feel how I feel for you, love, Before you, baby, I was numb, drowned out pain by pouring up, Speeding fast on the run, never want to get caught up, Now you the one that I'm calling, Swore that I'd never fall again, don't think I'm just talking, I think I might go all in, no exceptions, girl, I need ya, Think I'm out of my mind, 'cause I can't get enough, Only one that I give my time, 'cause I got eyes for ya, Might make an exception for ya, 'cause I been feeling ya, Think I might be out of my mind, I think that you're the one, My last made me feel like I would never try again, But when I saw you, I felt something I never felt, Come closer, I'll give you all my love, If you treat me right, baby, I'll give you everything, My last made me feel like I would never try again, But when I saw you, I felt something I never felt, Come closer, I'll give you all my love, If you treat me right, baby, I'll give you everything, I'll never give my all again, 'Cause I'm sick of falling down, When I open up and give my trust, They find a way to break it down, Tear me up inside, and you break me down.

I broke up with my emo girlfriend yesterday, look who came crawling back!