Relationship jokes

I finally asked my deadbeat dad what makes him happy. His answer? He hasn't gotten back to me.

If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there.

If you're almost there and then she laughs, then you've got a whole different problem on your hands.

Brings a whole new meaning to brotherly love.

I tripped over my wife’s bra. It was a booby trap!

What’s the difference between erotic and kinky?

Erotic is usually a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken.

Your mum stinks of disabled people.

Wanna know why?

I don't know either, you tell me.

My father told me to always carry a women's bag, but I don't know why he called the cops on me when I helped Mom's bag when we went parachuting. :(

Why is it that skinny men love fat women?

Because we need warmth in the winter and shade in the summer.

What do Boy Scouts and IG models have in common?

They both be fucking sugar daddies.

About a month ago, I was at my best friend’s funeral and I told him, "Bitches always come and go." He looked at me kinda mad, kinda confused, and said, "That’s my mom, dude."

My mom told me that my friend Paul is coming over, and he is going to sleep over, so I was happy.

The next day, I ask my mom, "Where's the dog?" My mom asks me, "What dog?"

Then I said to my mom, "I heard Paul say, 'Do you want it doggy?' and you said 'Yeah.'"

A woman walks out of the bathroom, winks at her husband and says, “I shaved down there; you know what that means.”

The husband responds, “Yeah, the drain is clogged.”

What’s worse than banging your sister?

Having to wear your dad’s wedding ring.

My girlfriend who is a Jehovah's Witness had sex with me so hard, she turned to Christianity.

A mathematics professor arrived home at 3 am drunk.

His wife was up waiting for him.

"You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled.

He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."

You know my first name, but don’t worry about it; you’ll only be screaming my first.

Nothing makes a guy happier than when his girlfriend says, “Go and lock the door first...”

Bully: Shut up, motherfucker!

Me: Well, stop talking to me and I won't have to keep fucking your mother.

The kid's dad was a magician because he disappeared and never came back.

Note to all moms of teens, keep a dog. That way, someone is excited to see you!