Relationship jokes

Your mom and your dad.

One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.

I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."

Friend: Do you know him?

Other Friend: Know who?

Friend: My dick!

My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and left. Right?

Pro marriage tip: Let your wife know you’re all about women’s rights. There’s no reason she needs to talk that much; it’s not like replying to her is voice activated.

Knock knock.

Who is there?

Mother.

Mother who?

Fuck off bichon, I'm your mother!

They said I was depressed, I should make an effort to do what I love.

I had to pay a hooker for twelve hours work.

... I felt nothing, but it was nice, being with someone who felt the same.

Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?

A: You slap her.

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Your love life.

I copied my friend's work. It's not like the teacher can tell my parents.

Are you happy to see me, or is that a bomb strapped to your chest and a detonator in your hand?

I lost my virginity to a girl with Down syndrome.

I want my first time to be special.

My sister's friends are hilarious, like seriously, haha.

I congratulated my friend on losing all that baby weight. She started crying and told me I should make them for miscarriage like that......

Why don't lesbians have sex in the morning?

Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese?

My parents love me.

Jake grabbed Lina's thigh and said, "Why don't we have sex? I really wanna see your boobs. I bet they're hot." "Yeah, they are." She took her clothes off and he saw her body. "OMG GODDESS OF BOOBS, PUSSYS AND BUTT LETS HAVE SEX LOOK AT MY..." HE WOKE UP THEN CRIED AND KISSED HIS SISTER'S BUTT. SHE SMACKED HIM THEN HE TOOK HER TO HIS BASEMENT AND KILLED HER FROM SEX.

If you think long and hard, oral sex is like cannibals.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, How many bananas can I fit, Maybe two?

Hey Gwen, let's chat from 1:00 p.m. to 2:00! Love, Prince 🌹